Divorce Recovery & Forgiveness - Busting the Myth of the Traditional Understanding of Forgiveness
Author: Jerald Young
Author: Jerald Young
We've all heard it before. "Forgive and forget." "Turn the
other cheek." "Forgive them for they know not what they
do." "To err is human, to forgive divine."
This is all well-intentioned advice, I'm sure. However,
while it might look good on paper, or sound good in a
sermon, forgiveness is not that simple for mortal human
beings. Nike's slogan of "Just Do It" may work on the
playing field, but it does not work in the field of human
relationships, especially when dealing with divorce.
1. THE FUNDAMENTAL DIFFICULTY IN FORGIVING YOUR EX
I don't know about you, but when I got divorced, these
socially appropriate prescriptions for what I "should" do
could not have been further from my mind. I felt angry,
resentful, abandoned, apprehensive, disconsolate,
frightened, furious, hurt, and overwhelmed, among others.
Well-meaning advice telling me simply to forget it, forgive
her, and move on was silly. However, that was all I heard!
Divorce, including recovery from divorce, is a life
transition. It takes time. Likewise, letting go of our
attachments to how things used to be takes time. This
includes our attachments, both positive and negative, to
our ex. Letting go of the emotional ties to another is not
an act of logic, and can't be accomplished by making a
rational decision.
2. A MORE HELPFUL,AND HUMANE, APPROACH TO FORGIVENESS
Then I ran on to a book by two educators and psychologists,
Sydney and Suzanne Simon, entitled How to Make Peace with
Your Past and Get on with Your Life. This book puts a
human touch to forgiveness. It removed my guilt about not
being able to make the simple decision to "forgive" my ex.
For the first time I had a way to think about forgiveness
that was truly useful. Their book laid out what forgiveness
is, and what it is not, and in the process, pointed out the
way to let go of the past so we can get on with our lives.
3. WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT
Simon and Simon point out that what all major religious
traditions tell us about forgiveness is not scientifically
true. That is, forgiveness is NOT (1) a Clear-Cut, One-Time
Decision that is usually communicated by some form of (2)
Public Pronouncement, preferably to the ex, in which we
acknowledge a degree of (3) Self Sacrifice by promising to
(4) Forget what was done to us, and offer (5) Absolution to
the perpetrator, while in the process giving the impression
that we actually (6) Condone what they did.
4. WHAT FORGIVENESS IS
On the other hand, they tell us that Forgiveness IS (1) the
By-Product of an (2) ongoing, internal Healing Process in
which, over time, (3) we Let Go of the Intense Emotions
attached to incidents from our past with our ex.
Some outcomes of this "letting go" include the recognition
that we no longer need our grudges, our resentments, our
hatred and self pity. In addition, we no longer want to
punish our ex who hurt us because we realize that nothing
we do to punish our ex will heal us. That is, it is an
"inside job."
5. WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU AND ME
Some consequences of treating forgiveness as the by-product
of an ongoing healing process include: (1) Don't expect
forgiveness to come all at once. The negative feelings will
linger until they are "dissolved away." (2) We must take
personal responsibility to engage in the healing process.
Time alone will not do it. Making a public, or private,
declaration will not do it. (3) Well-meaning people will
tell you to do stuff concerning forgiveness, and how you
should feel about your ex, that is just plain wrong. We
must courteously ignore them while we go about healing
ourselves.
The good news is, if we "do the work" required to heal from
the pain of the divorce transition, one day we will wake up
and realize it has been days or weeks since we had any
strong feelings about our ex. This means forgiveness is
complete.
So, what is "the work" we have to do? What does this
"healing process" look like? Where can I go to get it
started?
About the Author:
Go to http://smoothdivorcerecovery.com/details/index.htm
for a summary of the work of the healing process and how it
can dramatically speed up your return to a "normal" life.
To get a free assessment of your Divorce Recovery Stress
Level, please visit
http://www.smoothdivorcerecovery.com/stress/index.htm I
help divorced clients dramatically speed up their return to
the mainstream of life with renewed hope, unfettered by the
chains of anger, resentment, and shame that accompany
divorce. My name is Jerald Young. I am a transition
consultant and divorce recovery coach and I wish you the
very best in making a smooth recovery from divorce.
other cheek." "Forgive them for they know not what they
do." "To err is human, to forgive divine."
This is all well-intentioned advice, I'm sure. However,
while it might look good on paper, or sound good in a
sermon, forgiveness is not that simple for mortal human
beings. Nike's slogan of "Just Do It" may work on the
playing field, but it does not work in the field of human
relationships, especially when dealing with divorce.
1. THE FUNDAMENTAL DIFFICULTY IN FORGIVING YOUR EX
I don't know about you, but when I got divorced, these
socially appropriate prescriptions for what I "should" do
could not have been further from my mind. I felt angry,
resentful, abandoned, apprehensive, disconsolate,
frightened, furious, hurt, and overwhelmed, among others.
Well-meaning advice telling me simply to forget it, forgive
her, and move on was silly. However, that was all I heard!
Divorce, including recovery from divorce, is a life
transition. It takes time. Likewise, letting go of our
attachments to how things used to be takes time. This
includes our attachments, both positive and negative, to
our ex. Letting go of the emotional ties to another is not
an act of logic, and can't be accomplished by making a
rational decision.
2. A MORE HELPFUL,AND HUMANE, APPROACH TO FORGIVENESS
Then I ran on to a book by two educators and psychologists,
Sydney and Suzanne Simon, entitled How to Make Peace with
Your Past and Get on with Your Life. This book puts a
human touch to forgiveness. It removed my guilt about not
being able to make the simple decision to "forgive" my ex.
For the first time I had a way to think about forgiveness
that was truly useful. Their book laid out what forgiveness
is, and what it is not, and in the process, pointed out the
way to let go of the past so we can get on with our lives.
3. WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT
Simon and Simon point out that what all major religious
traditions tell us about forgiveness is not scientifically
true. That is, forgiveness is NOT (1) a Clear-Cut, One-Time
Decision that is usually communicated by some form of (2)
Public Pronouncement, preferably to the ex, in which we
acknowledge a degree of (3) Self Sacrifice by promising to
(4) Forget what was done to us, and offer (5) Absolution to
the perpetrator, while in the process giving the impression
that we actually (6) Condone what they did.
4. WHAT FORGIVENESS IS
On the other hand, they tell us that Forgiveness IS (1) the
By-Product of an (2) ongoing, internal Healing Process in
which, over time, (3) we Let Go of the Intense Emotions
attached to incidents from our past with our ex.
Some outcomes of this "letting go" include the recognition
that we no longer need our grudges, our resentments, our
hatred and self pity. In addition, we no longer want to
punish our ex who hurt us because we realize that nothing
we do to punish our ex will heal us. That is, it is an
"inside job."
5. WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU AND ME
Some consequences of treating forgiveness as the by-product
of an ongoing healing process include: (1) Don't expect
forgiveness to come all at once. The negative feelings will
linger until they are "dissolved away." (2) We must take
personal responsibility to engage in the healing process.
Time alone will not do it. Making a public, or private,
declaration will not do it. (3) Well-meaning people will
tell you to do stuff concerning forgiveness, and how you
should feel about your ex, that is just plain wrong. We
must courteously ignore them while we go about healing
ourselves.
The good news is, if we "do the work" required to heal from
the pain of the divorce transition, one day we will wake up
and realize it has been days or weeks since we had any
strong feelings about our ex. This means forgiveness is
complete.
So, what is "the work" we have to do? What does this
"healing process" look like? Where can I go to get it
started?
About the Author:
Go to http://smoothdivorcerecovery.com/details/index.htm
for a summary of the work of the healing process and how it
can dramatically speed up your return to a "normal" life.
To get a free assessment of your Divorce Recovery Stress
Level, please visit
http://www.smoothdivorcerecovery.com/stress/index.htm I
help divorced clients dramatically speed up their return to
the mainstream of life with renewed hope, unfettered by the
chains of anger, resentment, and shame that accompany
divorce. My name is Jerald Young. I am a transition
consultant and divorce recovery coach and I wish you the
very best in making a smooth recovery from divorce.
