Divorce Recovery & Resistance to Change - How to Sabotage Your Divorce Recovery without Even Trying
Author: Jerald Young
Recovery from divorce requires us to make changes in our
lives. Lots of changes. No big surprise here. For example,
divorce almost always forces us to make changes in our
relationships, our finances, our living arrangements, our
health-related activities, our self-development, and our
recreational and social activities.
The logical prescription to speed our transition from being
unhappily married to happily unmarried is straightforward:
make the necessary changes ASAP! No problem. Why, then,
don't we do it? Why are we universally reluctant to do the
obvious and make the changes that would improve our life
after divorce?
The answer? RESISTANCE TO CHANGE! Resistance to change is
our reluctance to make a positive change because of
personal reasons.
1. A Personal Example
What I did when my first marriage ended is an example of
how resistance to change prevents us from making a swift
and smooth recovery from divorce. After eight years of
marriage, my wife and I agreed it was over. We had tried
several things to save it - couples counseling,
communication training weekends, couples retreats,
individual therapy. These efforts only served to reinforce
our belief that a divorce was the right thing to do. Even
though a judge had not signed any paper yet, the harsh
reality was the marriage was over.
2. Three Ways Resistance to Change Can Ruin Your Divorce
Recovery
Three things prevented me from moving on and making my
recovery from divorce.
(1) FEAR - I was afraid of an unknown future.
(2) LOSS - I did not want to lose my "perfect life fantasy"
of being married "til death do us part" with a loving wife
and living with two wonderful daughters.
(3) SKILLS - I did not believe I had the ability to live
successfully as a single man. These three things illustrate
the three causes of resistance to change, which had me
firmly in its grasp.
3. Cause #1 of Resistance to Change - Fear of an Unknown
Future
I could not guarantee my future would be happy. I could not
guarantee that I would meet someone new. My disaster
fantasy was that I would never find true love again and
would live alone and lonely the rest of my life. This fear
paralyzed me and prevented me from moving into the next
chapter of my life.
4. Cause #2 of Resistance to Change - Distress Over Loss
Moving on meant I would lose daily access to my two
daughters. It also meant I would lose the stability of a
daily living routine. But most importantly, it meant I
would lose the hopes, dreams, and assumptions about our
family I had been collecting ever since my wife and I met.
For example, I had hoped my family would last forever. I
had assumed I would be involved daily in my daughters'
lives. I had dreamed of growing old with my wife. My
parents were married 67 years, so why not me too? Taking
the active steps to recover would force me to admit that
these hopes, dreams, and assumptions were shattered. The
loss seemed more than I could handle. Hence, I put off
moving on and thereby delayed my recovery from divorce.
5. Cause #3 of Resistance to Change - Uncertainty over the
Operational Aspects
Logic-based resistance to change reflects our reluctance to
make a change because we do not understand or agree with
the Who, What, When, Where, Why, and/or How of the change.
My logic-based resistance was based partly in my
uncertainty about some How's and Who's of dating.
I had not dated for over nine years. I was convinced I
would not be able to date without thoroughly embarrassing
myself. I was stuck on such issues as ' "How do you date?"
"Who will I date?' "Where will I find people to date?" As
long as I pretended I did not have to take control of my
divorce recovery, I did not have to confront my ineptitude
with dating.
6. So How Can You Use This?
One fact exists, resistance to change happens to EVERYONE.
It will happen to you. Be aware of its causes and be alert
to your fears, your reactions to loss, and your confusion
over the operational nuts and bolts of making a recovery.
It's all about taking the next step. Making the next
change. You can be paralyzed by resistance to change as I
was, or you can confront the resistance and dissolve it,
thus enabling you to get on with the next chapter in your
life.
Some questions to ask yourself that will help guide you on
your recovery might include - What about the future do you
fear today? What about "how things used to be" are hard for
you to give up? Are you confident that you have the skills
and knowledge to make your recovery?
About the Author:
You do not have to replicate my experience. For more
insight into how to minimize the impact of resistance to
change on your swift and smooth recovery from divorce,
visit
http://www.smoothdivorcerecovery.com/details/methodology.htm
For an assessment of your Divorce Recovery Stress Level,
visit http://www.smoothdivorcerecovery.com/stress/index.htm
I am Jerald Young, a divorce recovery coach. I help clients
return their life to normal ASAP.
lives. Lots of changes. No big surprise here. For example,
divorce almost always forces us to make changes in our
relationships, our finances, our living arrangements, our
health-related activities, our self-development, and our
recreational and social activities.
The logical prescription to speed our transition from being
unhappily married to happily unmarried is straightforward:
make the necessary changes ASAP! No problem. Why, then,
don't we do it? Why are we universally reluctant to do the
obvious and make the changes that would improve our life
after divorce?
The answer? RESISTANCE TO CHANGE! Resistance to change is
our reluctance to make a positive change because of
personal reasons.
1. A Personal Example
What I did when my first marriage ended is an example of
how resistance to change prevents us from making a swift
and smooth recovery from divorce. After eight years of
marriage, my wife and I agreed it was over. We had tried
several things to save it - couples counseling,
communication training weekends, couples retreats,
individual therapy. These efforts only served to reinforce
our belief that a divorce was the right thing to do. Even
though a judge had not signed any paper yet, the harsh
reality was the marriage was over.
2. Three Ways Resistance to Change Can Ruin Your Divorce
Recovery
Three things prevented me from moving on and making my
recovery from divorce.
(1) FEAR - I was afraid of an unknown future.
(2) LOSS - I did not want to lose my "perfect life fantasy"
of being married "til death do us part" with a loving wife
and living with two wonderful daughters.
(3) SKILLS - I did not believe I had the ability to live
successfully as a single man. These three things illustrate
the three causes of resistance to change, which had me
firmly in its grasp.
3. Cause #1 of Resistance to Change - Fear of an Unknown
Future
I could not guarantee my future would be happy. I could not
guarantee that I would meet someone new. My disaster
fantasy was that I would never find true love again and
would live alone and lonely the rest of my life. This fear
paralyzed me and prevented me from moving into the next
chapter of my life.
4. Cause #2 of Resistance to Change - Distress Over Loss
Moving on meant I would lose daily access to my two
daughters. It also meant I would lose the stability of a
daily living routine. But most importantly, it meant I
would lose the hopes, dreams, and assumptions about our
family I had been collecting ever since my wife and I met.
For example, I had hoped my family would last forever. I
had assumed I would be involved daily in my daughters'
lives. I had dreamed of growing old with my wife. My
parents were married 67 years, so why not me too? Taking
the active steps to recover would force me to admit that
these hopes, dreams, and assumptions were shattered. The
loss seemed more than I could handle. Hence, I put off
moving on and thereby delayed my recovery from divorce.
5. Cause #3 of Resistance to Change - Uncertainty over the
Operational Aspects
Logic-based resistance to change reflects our reluctance to
make a change because we do not understand or agree with
the Who, What, When, Where, Why, and/or How of the change.
My logic-based resistance was based partly in my
uncertainty about some How's and Who's of dating.
I had not dated for over nine years. I was convinced I
would not be able to date without thoroughly embarrassing
myself. I was stuck on such issues as ' "How do you date?"
"Who will I date?' "Where will I find people to date?" As
long as I pretended I did not have to take control of my
divorce recovery, I did not have to confront my ineptitude
with dating.
6. So How Can You Use This?
One fact exists, resistance to change happens to EVERYONE.
It will happen to you. Be aware of its causes and be alert
to your fears, your reactions to loss, and your confusion
over the operational nuts and bolts of making a recovery.
It's all about taking the next step. Making the next
change. You can be paralyzed by resistance to change as I
was, or you can confront the resistance and dissolve it,
thus enabling you to get on with the next chapter in your
life.
Some questions to ask yourself that will help guide you on
your recovery might include - What about the future do you
fear today? What about "how things used to be" are hard for
you to give up? Are you confident that you have the skills
and knowledge to make your recovery?
About the Author:
You do not have to replicate my experience. For more
insight into how to minimize the impact of resistance to
change on your swift and smooth recovery from divorce,
visit
http://www.smoothdivorcerecovery.com/details/methodology.htm
For an assessment of your Divorce Recovery Stress Level,
visit http://www.smoothdivorcerecovery.com/stress/index.htm
I am Jerald Young, a divorce recovery coach. I help clients
return their life to normal ASAP.
