"What On Earth Does He Mean?" - Decoding Other People's
Words With NLP's Meta Model
Author: Shawn Carson

Your friend Bob says: "I can't stand my job; everyone there
hates me, but I can't afford to leave it!"

Maybe it's time for Bob to find a new job, after all how can a
person be expected to spend their working hours with a group of
people, each and everyone of whom hates him. The money is little
compensation for working with people who spend all the time
insulting him, sabotaging his work, and stealing his paper
clips, or whatever it is that they do. So you advise him to
leave, and get a new job. He does, and a few weeks later you
meet him again and ask him about his new job. "I can't stand it
there" he says, "nobody speaks to me! I should never have left
my old job".

So what is going on here? This article describes how we can use
Neuro Linguistic Programming's (NLP) Meta Model both to
understand our friend, and to help him understand himself.

When we speak we attempt to describe our external and internal
experiences. We describe the people around us, what they do,
when and where they do it, how it makes us feel, and why we
think they do it. Unfortunately, we describe our reality purely
from the point of view of our own subjective experience and
beliefs, after all what else do we have?

When we listen we hear the words that offer a description
limited by the nature of language and by the point of view and
beliefs of the speaker. How do we compensate for this and get a
view of the reality that lies underneath? The answers are in
questions.

Neurolinguistic Programming's Meta Model Questions seeks to
recover real experience from spoken language. Neuro-Linguistic
Programming states that in experiencing reality we delete,
distort and generalize information to make sense of reality
(this model is based upon the work of Noam Chomsky, Alfred
Korzybski and others).

In looking at a sentence we first ask ourselves what has to be
true for the person, for the sentence to make sense. In NLP this
is called a Linguistic Presupposition.

Then we can consider whether there is a deletion, distortion or
generalization within a spoken sentence (which we refer to as a
"Meta Model Violation").

Let's consider Bob's statement: I can't stand my job; everyone
there hates me, but I can't afford to leave it!.

First let's consider the things that have to be true
(Linguistic Presuppositions) for the sentence to make sense:

• Bob has a job
• Bob has unpleasant feelings toward his job
• Bob works with or around other people
• There exists a place ("there") associated with the job
• Bob gets compensated for his job
• Bob would be financially(?) inconvenienced if he left his job


Now let's consider the way Bob deletes, distorts and
generalizes information (the Meta Model Violations) in
describing his experience in this sentence. We'll start with the
most egregious:

• The people he works with "hate" him. How often do we actually
"hate" people we work with? We may not be best friends with
them, we may not like them, we may even actively dislike them.
We rarely hate them.

• "Everyone" there "hates" Bob. How likely is it that there is
not even one person there who actually likes Bob? Not even one?
Come on.

• Bob "can't stand" his job. What does this mean? He can't
stand it another minute? Another day? Another week? How does he
know when he "can't stand" something?

• He "can't afford" to leave his job. What would happen if he
did leave his job?

• What could he not afford if he left his job?

So, how do we go about helping Bob, using the Neuro Linguistic
Programming Meta Model?

• Firstly, if we are to help Bob, we have to make sure we have
rapport with him. He has to feel that we care about him.

• Then we have to begin to fill in the gaps between his words
and the reality. We could ask questions such as:

• "Who exactly do you think hates you at your job?"

• "How do you know they hate you? What are they doing that
makes you think that? Is there any other explanation for their
behavior? Have you ever behaved that way toward somebody you
didn't hate?"

• "How bad is it for you? If it doesn't change in the short
term is it really something that you can't stand for a while?
What can you do to begin to change the dynamics? What would
happen if you simply ceased to care about it? "

• "What would happen if you left? Can you find a better job?
What exactly couldn't you afford? Can you afford to stay in a
job you don't like?"

Learning the Meta Model allows us to understand what we don't
understand about what other people say. Once we know that we can
decide what information is important to retrieve from the
underlying reality. The Meta Model then provides the questions
we need to retrieve this missing information. Reconnecting with
the underlying reality will help us to better understand those
around us, and help them to better understand themselves.


About The Author: Shawn Carson offers
http://www.nlptrainingnewyork.com/training.php Neurolinguistic
Programming NLP Training in New York, as well as business and
professional coaching. Shawn is a certified hypnotist and offers
help to stop smoking, lose weight, achieve
goals.http://www.nlptrainingnewyork.com/NLP-Meta-Model.php Neuro
Linguistic Programming's (NLP) Meta Model is a powerful tool for
understanding others and beginning the process of positive
change