After Abuse: The Challenging Work Of Forging
Healthy Relationships
Author: Beth Strong, MA,LPC

Many people have done the tough work of recovery from sexual
abuse, whether with help in therapy or on one's own. It
challenges us to the core, but it also frees us, and gives life
and possibility where we once felt that we might never get
through it.

For some, getting into a relationship, or continuing with one
we've been in, after abuse recovery is a fairly smooth process.
For others, the challenge holds a range of feelings, such as the
longing to be loved, mixed with uncertainty, anxiety, fear, even
panic. It often comes with a deep sense of undeserving, or the
belief, "I am unlovable." Some people will go through a long
period of celibacy, even after sexual abuse counseling. Others
might try dating, but find themselves repeating patterns that
occurred in abusive relationships, with their new partners.
Sometimes abuse survivors find it very difficult to be intimate,
either sexually or emotionally, or both. Or they might tend to
feel more like a sex object, and not be recognized for who they
are as a person.

"Healthy Relationships are not only a source of fulfillment,
they are where the final healing takes place."

But we can love and be loved, trust, and be trusted, again. I
have a number of clients who have sexual abuse history, and do
the work of recovery, only to discover that they feel
handicapped when it comes time to be in a healthy relationship.
Yet healthy relationships are not only a source of fulfillment,
they are where the final healing of sexual abuse issues takes
place. I have seen many women and men overcome their fears, and
build healthy and loving relationships.

While everyone is different, there are a few common themes that
surface for those with a history of abuse. For instance, it's
unlikely that one who suffered abuse was taught much about
boundaries. Yet good boundaries are inherent in any healthy
relationship. This comes up in a variety of ways. For example,
many couples have learned to be very careful not to say hurtful
things to their partner during a fight; they've learned not to
be flirtatious with others if they are in an exclusive
relationship. These may seem like small concerns, but they
actively maintain safety and respect, both for each other and
for the integrity of the relationship. `

People without abuse history typically recognize when another
person (man or woman) is "coming onto" them inappropriately, and
they have no trouble telling the "intruder," so to speak, to
back off. With abuse history, especially if the abuse was
chronic, we don't even recognize inappropriate behavior, because
such behavior was "normalized" during one's childhood. ("I
thought that was normal!" The abuse survivor then is less likely
to take steps to protect oneself, and is left with an array of
feelings, including frustration, disappointment, confusion ("How
come this keeps happening for me?"), anger, and resignation
("All men/women are like this, they just want me for sex.") How
different it becomes when the survivor learns to recognize
inappropriate behavior for what it is, use appropriate
boundaries, move on, and then be able to open to what we do
want, a person who is respectful, loving, honest, and so on.

"As children, when our parents directly contradict our inner
voice, our intuitive knowing, we'll trust them and discount our
own truth. As adults, we have to learn to trust our intuition
all over again."

Another unfortunate, but repairable, side-effect of sexual
abuse is that we have often lost trust in our intuition. If our
intuition told us that something that happened wasn't right, but
all the adults in our family said, "I don't see any problem
here," or "You're lying! Shame on you!" we get confused. As
children we need to trust our parents for our basic survival.
When our parents say and do things that directly contradict our
inner voice, our intuitive knowing, we'll trust mom or dad, and
discount ourselves. For children, it's safer this way. But as
adults, it takes retraining to trust our intuition again. This
is a gradual process, but it can be done. Once we trust our
inner knowing more fully, we become confident, more empowered,
and more able to receive what is beneficial to us.

Love, trust, intimacy, and ease are not only possible; they are
our birthright. We mustn't allow someone else's violation of us
to impede our right to love and be loved. Thankfully, we don't
have to.


About The Author: Beth Strong, MA, LPC  Denver, CO 80206
303-322-4224 - Office http://www.bethstrong.com
http://www.therapylinx.com