Why Love Can Fade - The Stages Of A Relationship
Author: Peter J Granger

A number of key stages can be recognized in any relationship.
These are an adaptation of the relationship model originally
developed by Susan Campbell in her book "The Couple's Journey".

Stage 1 The Honeymoon

The first stage of any romantic relationship is when we fall in
love. Our initial attraction to somebody grows rapidly to the
point where we feel delicious feelings of connection and love.
It seems we have found the love of our life and we will readily
believe that this relationship will last forever. The honeymoon
stage is a wonderful life experience and shows the potential of
the relationship for love and joy.

We may be tempted to make long-term commitments in this stage
without really knowing our partner. This in itself is not a
problem providing we recognize that more challenging stages of
the relationship probably lie ahead and have a willingness to
deal with any issues that come up.

To fall in love with somebody is the most beautiful experience
in life and one to be enjoyed fully! Be prepared though for more
challenging times ahead as the relationship develops. Don't
panic when this happens - stick with your partner and try to
work through the issues described in the next two stages. Always
remember the feelings you have in this stage - you can always
find them again in the future if you commit to building a better
relationship.

Stage 2 The Power Struggle

For most relationships the honeymoon stage eventually ends,
typically after six months to one year. We begin to see aspects
of our partner which make us feel uncomfortable. They may react
to situations differently from us, act in ways that we find
difficult or begin to lose interest in us. During the honeymoon
stage we and our partner deliberately (though subconsciously)
hide the negative aspects of our personality and behavior and
focus on giving and receiving love. As we become more familiar
and closer to our partner the negative traits are revealed. This
can come as a huge disappointment because we realise that they
are not as perfect as we thought - worse still they think the
same about us! The sense of unease causes each partner to
withdraw and this sets up a vicious circle and damaging pattern
for the relationship.

Some of us will act out our power struggle through arguments
and rows, while some of us will use much more subtle forms of
competition such as withdrawal and moodiness. You will know you
have entered the power struggle if you are feeling anything less
than true love for your partner! We might begin to doubt if our
partner really is the right one for us and if this carries on,
may choose to end the relationship, or find that our partner
leaves us. This is often far too soon to make such a decision.
Amazing as it may seem, the very traits that we find so
undesirable in our partner are the same ones that we have failed
to deal with in our own minds - that is why they annoy or
disturb us so much. In the power struggle it is not unusual to
see negative personality traits that we associate with our
parents appearing in our partner. The bad news is that we also
have these traits, but the good news is that with our partners
help we can deal with them!

The important thing to realize in the power struggle stage is
that both partners are competing to see who will meet the
emotional needs of the other. We chose our partner because we
believed they would take care of our unmet needs from childhood
and now we find that, not only do they fail to do this, but they
have exactly the same needs as us. We feel let down and so do
they - this is the key to working through the painful power
struggle stage. Recognize that it is your shared sense of unmet
needs, a feeling of being emotionally incomplete that is causing
you to have differences. The power struggle is in fact an
opportunity to heal your insecurities and fears and build a
better relationship. The power struggle tends to make us draw
away from our partner both physically and emotionally. Therefore
we must have the courage to move towards them and express our
feelings no matter how painful they seem. If this is done with
love and sensitivity (ie. talk and own your own feelings - do
not impose them on your partner or judge them) your partner will
feel safe to express their own emotions. You will soon find that
you have re-connected and will begin another honeymoon stage!

Stage 3 The Dead Zone

If we are unable to work through our shared issues that cause
power struggles, a relationship can still survive, but at a
cost. The relationship will gradually sink towards what has been
called the Dead Zone. This is a time when we may become bored
with our partner and life in general. They may bury themselves
in work or a pastime and take little interest in us. At the
heart of the Dead Zone is withdrawal and emotional dissociation.


In the Dead Zone a relationship loses its sense of connection
and the feelings of love. Love may remain as an idea rather than
a feeling - you will know that you love somebody but the emotion
has lost the delicious sensations that you experienced when you
first fell in love. We subdue our emotions in this stage because
we are afraid to deal with the fears and negative feelings that
might come up if we were to communicate our insecurities to our
partner. We are afraid that they will not love us, think us bad
and even abandon us if we were to be totally honest about how we
feel towards the relationship and about our self. Unfortunately
we are largely unaware of these feelings as they are hidden in
the unconscious mind.

Both the Power Struggle and the Dead Zone that usually follows
are caused by a fear of intimacy - one of our greatest repressed
fears. We fear that if our partner gets too close to us
emotionally, that they will see aspects of our personality that
would make them reject us. Paradoxically, our fears and
behaviour around this issue make it much more likely that they
will leave us. The key to getting out of the dead zone is to
commit to your partner to move towards them emotionally so that
you can once again begin to feel and share your full spectrum of
emotions. It is not feeling emotions that destroys relationships
and robs us of life's joys. Although sharing fears and
insecurities in a heartfelt way with a partner, especially after
many years together, can be frightening, it will always leads to
more honesty and love in a relationship. As your hearts open
again you will become much more emotionally aware and healing
will automatically occur. You will once again begin to feel
those powerful feelings of love that bought you together in the
first place.

Stage 4 Partnership & True Love

Partnership is a relationship based on love, communication and
trust. If you have ever fallen in love you will already know
what partnership feels like. Imagine a long-term relationship
feeling like those first heady days! This is not a dream - it
can be yours if you are willing to work with your partner on the
emotional issues that make you withdraw from each other. By
always choosing to move towards your partner with a feeling of
love and compassion, even when they are in pain or behaving
badly, allows the insecurities and fears that you both have, to
rise to the surface for healing. You may have to do this time
and again as many layers of pain come up from deep within your
mind, but each time you will experience a new honeymoon stage.

Even if you return to the power struggle or dead zone now and
again, your growing confidence in working with your partner on
your issues and the wonderful sensations that come from
re-discovering true intimacy will provide the incentive to keep
going. Relationships are rarely fairy tales - we must be willing
to continually work at them. If we have the courage to do this,
then the rewards are assured. Remember - If you are feeling
negative feelings or difficulties in your relationship, always
move towards your partner and join with them with feelings of
forgiveness, love and compassion - do this with an open heart
and it never fails.


About The Author: Peter Granger is an acclaimed relationship
counsellor and life coach. He runs relationship and
self-development workshops in the UK. He has recently launched a
book called True Love - The Amazing Truth About Love,
Relationships & Life. For more free relationship advice and
information about his book, go to http://www.iloveyouloveme.com