Anxiety about Grades
Author: Robert Elias Najemy

Our main question for each is «what do I need to learn here
in order to feel better or solve my problem or become more
effective in creating what I really want in my life?
This is the greatest gift we can give our selves, our
clients or friends.

John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior
high school. Their house is the site of frequent battles
concerning how much the children need to study and what
grades are acceptable. The main battle is with their
youngest child, Peter, who refuses to study. The more they
pressure him, the more rebellious he becomes. He now
perceives them to be his enemies, and a great power
struggle takes place between them.

Peter lacks self-confidence and self-acceptance, and is
tired of being compared to his older sisters. He would like
to have good grades, but the fear of trying and not
succeeding is unbearable for him, and thus, he prefers not
to try at all.

He would much rather play at the computer or search the net
than study subjects he feels have nothing to do with life.
He prefers to partake in activities he can control and
succeed at, rather than those which hold the risk of
failure and create anxiety.

John and Barbara attach great deal of importance to grades,
success, economic status, and most of all, to how they and
their children compare to other families and what others
think of them.
They find it difficult to decide how much responsibility
they have for Peter's future, and whether it is their duty
to pressure him. Still, what creates even more anxiety for
them is the fact that they are programmed to believe his
"failure" is their "failure." They measure their self worth
as persons and parents by their children's grades and
accomplishments.

They are ashamed to admit to others that Peter is not doing
well. They feel lessened in other's eyes.

Peter realizes this and is hurt by the fact that they are
allowing what other people think to be more important than
how he feels. He feels misunderstood, rejected, and
unloved. His parents feel the same.
He needs to be accepted and loved for the person he is,
regardless of his grades. His parents do love him, but
their fears concerning his future, their own self worth as
parents, and what others think of them, prevent them from
expressing their love without inhibitions.

Peter would like to make them happy, but his fear of
failure and need to protect his freedom and self worth by
rebelling against their pressure, become obstacles in his
ability to do so.

They all need to analyze and free themselves from the
beliefs and attachments preventing them from experiencing
and expressing the love they have for each other.

Belief Analysis

Their beliefs cause them to be caught up in this
situation.

John and Barbara might be limited by some of the following
beliefs:

1.  Our child is our creation. We are totally responsible
for what he becomes.

2. Our self worth depends on how he turns out: his grades,
his health, his success, his behavior, etc.

3. Others will judge us according to our children's success
or failure.

4. Our self worth is dependent upon what others think and
say about us.

5. Our child will be able to succeed and be happy only of
he obtains high grades and a university degree.

6. This is a difficult world and we must protect and
prepare our child for it.

7. Later in life, our child might hold us accountable for
the fact that we didn't push him enough.

Peter might be limited by some of the following beliefs:

1.  I am not smart; I cannot succeed at school.

2. My self worth is dependent upon my grades.

3. My self worth is dependent upon how I measure up to my
sisters and others.

4. My parents will love me more if I have high grades and
less if I do not.

5. I will probably not be happy or successful in life if I
don't get good grades.

6. I am a failure and no one loves me.

7. I am living in a prison and have no freedom to live my
life I as I chose.

8. My parents want to control me in order to satisfy their
own needs.

By adjusting their belief system, this family could solve
many of their problems.

John and Barbara might find peace in some of the following
beliefs:

1. Our child is God's creation and has within him the
blueprints of his life. We are here to aid him in his
search for himself.

2. Our child is like a seed that knows what it needs to
become.  We are here simply to water the seed and nourish
it, not to tell him how to live his life.

3. Our self worth depends solely on our motives and effort
to help our child, not on the result.

4. We are worthy of love and respect regardless of our
children's grades.

5. We are worthy of love and respect regardless of what
others think or say.

6. Our child has the ability and inner guidance to create
success and happiness regardless of his education.

7. Life gives us and our children exactly what each of us
needs for his/her growth.

8. We offer love, guidance and support to our child, but
allow him to make his own choices and grow through living
the consequences of those choices.

9. We understand and respect our child's fears and seek to
help him believe in himself.

Peter might be helped by some of the following beliefs:

1.  I am intelligent and totally capable of succeeding in
school and life.

2. I deserve love and respect regardless of my grade
level.

3. I am special and unique from my sisters and all others.

4. I will create success and happiness in my life.

5. I am worthy of love and respect exactly as I am.

6. I understand my parents' anxiety and need to pressure me
to study, and feel their love behind those actions.

7. I understand their fears and accept them as they are.

8. Real freedom is the freedom to intelligently direct my
energy in ways that benefit my life and future.

9. My parents love me and are trying to help me in their
own way.

Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30
years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and
now does so over the Internet.
Over 600 free articles, lectures, relaxation and positive
projection as mp3 audio. Become a life coach.
At http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/