MAKING MARRIAGE WORK, PART 4
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

In Part 1 of this series, I described the fears of rejection
and engulfment that underlie relationship problems.

In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offered a simplified
version of the Six Step healing process of Inner Bonding:

1. Willingness
2. Choose the intent to learn
3. Dialogue with the feelings
4. Dialogue with your Higher Power
5. Take loving action
6. Evaluate the action.

Part 2 described what it means to be in Step One – what it
means to be willing to feel your feelings and take
responsibility for them, rather than turn to protective,
controlling behavior.

Part 3 described what it means to be in Step Two - choosing
the intent to learn - using Joan's and Justin's marriage as
an example.

Part 4 continues with Joan and Justin, describing how Joan
uses Steps 3 and 4 of Inner Bonding to deal with the issues
in her marriage.

In Step 3 of Inner Bonding, Joan investigates her beliefs
and behavior that is causing her pain. From a place within
of compassion and curiosity, Joan dialogues with her
feelings of anger, aloneness, fear and resentment. Imagining
that she is a loving parent speaking with a hurting child,
Joan asks her Inner Child questions:

Loving Adult Joan: Little Joanie, what am I thinking or
doing that is causing you so much pain?

Inner Child Joanie: You keep telling me that Justin doesn't
love me anymore. You are scaring me so much. Whenever Justin
works a lot, you tell me that he is working because he
doesn't love me anymore - that if he loved me, he would
spend more time with me. You just keep telling me that there
must be something wrong with me because Justin works a lot.

Now Joan moves into Step 4 – Dialoguing with her Higher
Power/Higher Self. Joan imagines her personal concept of
Spirit – God, Goddess, her own Higher Self, an inner mentor
or teacher, or a spiritual guide.

Joan asks her Guidance: What is the truth about the belief
that if Justin works late, he doesn't love me?

Joan relaxes and opens, moving out of her thinking mind and
allowing the information to come through her from her
Guidance. This Guidance is always here for us and we can
access the information when we are open to learning about
the truth and about loving action toward ourselves. It takes
some time, but eventually Joan receives the following
information:

Higher Guidance: Sometimes Justin works late because he has
a lot of work to do and it has nothing to do with you.
Sometimes he works late because he is afraid of your blaming
and nagging. He loves you, but he doesn't always feel loved
by you, and his way of dealing with feeling unloved by you
is to stay away.

One way we know what is true and what is a lie is how it
makes us feel. When Joan tells herself that Justin doesn't
love her, she feels alone and afraid. When she tells herself
the above truth, she feels clear and peaceful.

Joan asks her Guidance: What are the loving actions toward
myself? What actions would be in my highest good?

Higher Guidance: Instead of focusing on what Justin is doing
and how much time he is spending with you, focus on what
would be fun for you to do when he is late. His being late
gives you a chance to catch up with your friends, to read,
and to do the creative things you enjoy doing. You can also
take the dance class you have wanted to take. You will feel
much better when you just take care of yourself instead of
making Justin responsible for you. He will want to spend
more time with you when he sees you happy than when you are
always unhappy and complaining.

In the final section of this series, we will see what
happens with Joan as she moves through Steps 5 and 6 of
Inner Bonding.

About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.