Questionnaire for Discovering our Lessons -
part 3
Author: Robert Elias Najemy

15. Do I have any internal conflicts that are being played
out here? Is there a part of myself who doubts my own self
and agrees with the other?
Our internal conflicts are very often reflected by others
who are reflecting one of our conflicting personas. Because
we are in conflict with ourselves, the other's behavior
annoys us by bringing to the surface a part of ourselves
with which we are already in conflict.
For example, if one part of ourselves says we should be
making more money, get married, achieve more, work more,
eat less, spend more time with the children, have more
discipline or lose weight and the other person gives us any
of these messages in any way, we are disturbed by his or
her behavior, because it reminds us of a conflict we
already have with ourselves.
In such a case, we need to apply an inner dialogue
technique and clarify internally what we really want and
believe. We also need to accept this conflict until it is
resolved and then we will be able to share it with others.
This work is described in detail in the book "Saram - A
Soul Adventure in Persona Reconciliation".

16. Are there any emotions, needs and beliefs that I have
not clearly communicated to the other?
Our unexpressed emotions, needs and beliefs are frequently
reflected by others. This will happen until we overcome any
obstacles to honest and sincere communication with those
who behave in ways that annoy us. If we have never
expressed clearly to someone without accusation and
criticism that his or her behavior bothers us, how do we
expect him or her to stop?
Our lesson is to learn to make I-messages expressing very
clearly what we want, need, feel and believe, without
trying to put down or hurt the other.

17. What is my lesson here? What do I need to change in
order to stop attracting this behavior and, in the case
that it appears, not be bothered by it?
18. What do I need to do to maintain my happiness?
Questions 17 and 18 ask us to look to the answers we have
given to the questions above and decide what we need to
transform in order to cease attracting the behavior which
bothers us and, in the case that it does appear, not be
bothered by it. The basis answer in each case is to
transform the beliefs, which are creating this reflection
and projection.

19. Now imagine that the other person actually changes and
behaves exactly as you wish, and becomes a perfect friend
respecting your every need, and that this problem has
completely disappeared. Notice how you feel with this
idea.
This visualization and question has been added at the end
for two reasons. First, it allows us to imagine this
situation as solved and transformed. This is an essential
aspect of manifesting the change we desire; i.e. to be able
to envision it.
We cannot create what we cannot first believe. If we cannot
image the other as being kind and loving it will very
likely never happen.
The second reason is for us to see how we feel with the
idea of this problem being totally solved and the other
behaving in a perfect way. It is interesting that a large
number of people have discovered with this question that
something was missing when the problem disappeared. They
then realized that, although they complain about this
person's behavior, it actually serves some purpose in their
lives.
For some, being the victim, the abused was their way of
establishing their own self-worth. As long as the other was
wrong, then they were the good guys and thus worthy. Now
without this game, they are no longer affirmed on a daily
basis.
In other cases, the problem was an excuse for not to being
able to manifest their creativity or productivity, and now
they would have no excuse. For still others, it was a
reason not to be happy, and now they will have to find
another reason, or "risk" being happy.

This questionnaire could also be used to analyze our
lessons inherent in situations or events which are annoying
us, by simply replacing the word behavior with the words
event, circumstance or situation. Also we can, in the same
way, analyze what we can learn from our body through
problems of health or appearance. But in this book we are
focusing on relationships.

Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30
years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and
now does so over the Internet.
Over 600 free articles, lectures, relaxation and positive
projection as mp3 audio. Become a life coach.
At http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/