Communicating With Teens -- 7 Never Fail Secrets
Author: Ali Bierman

Allow me to paint you a picture. You and your teen talk about
issues and rules as they come up. While you have disagreements
that you resolve, you never have fights where one person wins
and the other loses.

Sound impossible? I raised two kids that way and now I am going
to share seven steps to lead you down the same path.

* If you want your child to talk with you, then give him a
reason to trust you. Keep his confidence. Ask him if what he
tells you is something between the two of you or if it is okay
to share it with anyone, including family members. Honor his
wishes.

* When you listen, be there 100%. Erase any other thoughts or
postpone them until later. Let your mind be free to focus on
what your teenager is communicating -- spoken and unspoken.

You can be there, fully at 100%, when you are not listening to
that Little Voice in your head tell you about your child or
what he is saying. Instead you will actually be listening to
the words of your child, his emotions and his complete message!
Big difference. Huge impact for both you and for your teen.

You must be free from agendas to be there 100%. You have no
idea what your teen is about to tell you nor do you have any
idea what he wants in coming to you, so ask.

* Ask how your child wants to be listened to. Does he want an
opinion, suggestions, advice, or does he just want to blow off
steam? No guessing allowed! When you guess wrong, you frustrate
him by going in a direction he does not want to go. He may see
his effort to talk with you as a waste of time and decide not
to make that mistake again.

* For accurate communication, ask questions -- not intrusive,
prying ones, but check-ins to be certain you are hearing the
message as your child intended you to hear and interpret it.

Be sure you are hearing what your teen means to say rather than
what you want your teen to say or what you think your teen
should say. Respond to a thought saying something like, "Is it
accurate that you do not like it when X happens?"

If that is correct, he will say yes and if not, then he will
state his thought differently. Check again -- you want to
understand him.

When your child sees that you are truly available and paying
attention he just may feel understood -- at least in that
moment. The more moments he feels that way, the more frequently
he will talk to you.

* Listen without judgment.

* Listen without expectation. When you have no attachment to
what will be said or the outcome of what you hear, then you are
free to pay attention to every word and every non-verbal clue.

Take all that information, check for your accurate
understanding, then follow through with the request your child
made for how he wants you to listen to him.

Your young adult may share things that surprise or scare you.
He may do that to see your reaction -- or he may do that
because he trusts you enough to be frank and honest. Your
challenge is to listen honestly.

If you are surprised, it is okay and, in fact wise, to say so.
Note that it is honest to share your feelings about what he
said. However, telling him he is wrong or he should have done
such and such differently is judging.

You might follow the judgment with a conviction and a sentence.
Such actions could cause you to lose the trust that led to his
coming to you in the first place. Then you are back to having a
teenager who doesn't talk and likes to fight.

Consider that there is more than one way to do things and there
is more than one solution to any problem. When your child tells
you about something you cannot understand, ask about his
thinking that led to that action. Ask as many questions as you
need to so you can see his perspective.

Seeing his perspective is not the same as approving or agreeing
with it. On the other hand, you may gain a fresh view on
whatever the issue is.

*If your child has done something that breaks a law or a rule
in your family, address that issue. Brainstorm for solutions
together. Empower your teen to be responsible for every action
he takes -- or fails to take -- in his life.

Pretending not to notice undesirable behaviors will not make
them disappear. Follow the same brainstorming techniques to
deal with such instances. You will be surprised how simple it
is to create win-win outcomes. I did not say easy. I said
simple. Success happens after doing it, doing it, doing it,
until it becomes natural. Yes, that task may take effort and
seem like work.

Actions and results, desirable and undesirable, reflect self
esteem. To change behaviors, treat the cause not just the
symptoms.

What are the hidden thoughts of your teen costing him -- and
you?


About The Author: Ali Bierman, parent, psychotherapist and
author of the popular ebook, Parents, You Gotta Ask Questions:
How To Build Adolescent Self Esteem, will take you by the hand
and show you how she raised two great kids with open
communication. To find out more and grab your fre.e gift, go
here now: http://saveyourchildnow.com