The Abuser's Body Language


By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

Many abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal
series of subtle - but discernible - warning signs. Pay attention to the way
your date comports himself - and save yourself a lot of trouble!

Abusers are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible
to capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated
access to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly
difficult to determine with any degree of certainty whether someone is being
abusive because he suffers from an impairment, i.e., a mental health
disorder.

Some abusive behavior patterns are a result of the patient's cultural-social
context. The offender seeks to conform to cultural and social morals and
norms. Additionally, some people become abusive in reaction to severe life
crises.

Still, most abusers master the art of deception. People often find
themselves involved with a abuser (emotionally, in business, or otherwise)
before they have a chance to discover his real nature. When the abuser
reveals his true colors, it is usually far too late. His victims are unable
to separate from him. They are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and
angry that they failed to see through the abuser earlier on.

But abusers do emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals in his body language
even in a first or casual encounter. These are:

"Haughty" body language - The abuser adopts a physical posture which implies
and exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness,
amused indifference, etc. Though the abuser usually maintains sustained and
piercing eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he
maintains his personal territory).

The abuser takes part in social interactions - even mere banter -
condescendingly, from a position of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and
largesse". But even when he feigns gregariousness, he rarely mingles
socially and prefers to remain the "observer", or the "lone wolf".

Entitlement markers - The abuser immediately asks for "special treatment" of
some kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic
session, to talk directly to authority figures (and not to their assistants
or secretaries), to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom
tailored arrangements. This tallies well with the abuser's alloplastic
defenses - his tendency to shift responsibility to others, or to the world
at large, for his needs, failures, behavior, choices, and mishaps  ("look
what you made me do!").

The abuser is the one who - vocally and demonstratively - demands the
undivided attention of the head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the
hostess, or latches on to celebrities in a party. The abuser reacts with
rage and indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated the same as
others whom he deems inferior. Abusers frequently and embarrassingly "dress
down" service providers such as waiters or cab drivers.

Idealization or devaluation - The abuser instantly idealizes or devalues his
interlocutor. He flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an
embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner - or sulks, abuses, and
humiliates her.

Abusers are polite only in the presence of a potential would-be victim - a
"mate", or a "collaborator". But they are unable to sustain even perfunctory
civility and fast deteriorate to barbs and thinly-veiled hostility, to
verbal or other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.

The "membership" posture - The abuser always tries to "belong". Yet, at the
very same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The abuser seeks to
be admired for his ability to integrate and ingratiate himself without
investing the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.

For instance: if the abuser talks to a psychologist, the abuser first states
emphatically that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds to make
seemingly effortless use of obscure professional terms, thus demonstrating
that he mastered the discipline all the same - which is supposed to prove
that he is exceptionally intelligent or introspective.

In general, the abuser always prefers show-off to substance. One of the most
effective methods of exposing a abuser is by trying to delve deeper. The
abuser is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of
himself as a Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades, or a genius. Abusers
never admit to ignorance or to failure in any field - yet, typically, they
are ignorant and losers. It is surprisingly easy to penetrate the gloss and
the veneer of the abuser's self-proclaimed omniscience, success, wealth, and
omnipotence.

Bragging and false autobiography - The abuser brags incessantly. His speech
is peppered with "I", "my", "myself", and "mine". He describes himself as
intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive, or creative - but always
excessively, implausibly, and extraordinarily so.

The abuser's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements -
incommensurate with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition
is evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims. Very often, the
abuser's lies or fantasies are easily discernible. He always name-drops and
appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments as his own.

Emotion-free language - The abuser likes to talk about himself and only
about himself. He is not interested in others or what they have to say. He
is never reciprocal. He acts disdainful, even angry, if he feels an
intrusion on his precious time.

In general, the abuser is very impatient, easily bored, with strong
attention deficits - unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can
dissect all aspects of the intimate life of a abuser, providing the
discourse is not "emotionally tinted". If asked to relate directly to his
emotions, the abuser intellectualizes, rationalizes, speaks about himself in
the third person and in a detached "scientific" tone or composes a narrative
with a fictitious character in it, suspiciously autobiographical.

Most abusers get enraged when required to delve deeper into their motives,
fears, hopes, wishes, and needs. They use violence to cover up their
perceived "weakness" and "sentimentality". They distance themselves from
their own emotions and from their loved ones by alienating and hurting them.

Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion - The abuser is dead serious
about himself. He may possess a fabulous sense of humor, scathing and
cynical, but rarely is he self-deprecating. The abuser regards himself as
being on a constant mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose
consequences are global.

If a scientist - he is always in the throes of revolutionizing science. If a
journalist - he is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If an aspiring
businessman - he is on the way to concluding the deal of the century. Woe
betide those who doubt his grandiose fantasies and impossible schemes.

This self-misperception is not amenable to light-headedness or
self-effacement. The abuser is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic
injury). Even the most innocuous remarks or acts are interpreted by him as
belittling, intruding, or coercive slights and demands. His time is more
valuable than others' - therefore, it cannot be wasted on unimportant
matters such as social intercourse, family obligations, or household chores.
Inevitably, he feels constantly misunderstood.

Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately cast by the
abuser as intentional humiliation, implying that the abuser is in need of
help and counsel and, thus, imperfect. Any attempt to set an agenda is, to
the abuser, an intimidating act of enslavement. In this sense, the abuser is
both schizoid and paranoid and often entertains ideas of reference.

Finally, abusers are sometimes sadistic and have inappropriate affect. In
other words, they find the obnoxious, the heinous, and the shocking - funny
or even gratifying. They are sexually sado-masochistic or deviant. They like
to taunt, to torment, and to hurt people's feelings ("humorously" or with
bruising "honesty").

While some abusers are "stable" and "conventional" - others are antisocial
and their impulse control is flawed. These are very reckless
(self-destructive and self-defeating) and just plain destructive:
workaholism, alcoholism, drug abuse, pathological gambling, compulsory
shopping, or reckless driving.

Yet, these - the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of
entitlement, the restricted application of humor, the unequal treatment, the
sadism, and the paranoia - do not render the abuser a social misfit. This is
because the abuser mistreats only his closest - spouse, children, or (much
more rarely) colleagues, friends, neighbours. To the rest of the world, he
appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very
adept at casting a veil of secrecy - often with the active aid of their
victims - over their dysfunction and misbehavior.

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AUTHOR BIO (must be included with the article)



Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self
Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East.
He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review,
PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI)
Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central
East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of
Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com