The Secret To Getting
The Respect You Deserve
Author: Kelly Nault, MA

Parenting Question

I have a parenting question regarding the challenges I have
with a strong willed child. The challenge we have is with our
12 year old. When corrected she will argue her point of view
until the bitter end. Our point is never taken into account and
it usually ends in a long drawn out yelling match. If you don't
agree with her point of view, she doesn't feel heard nor
understood and then becomes defensive and does not even listen
to our side. We say black, she says white. My parenting
question is how can we prevent family yelling matches and
resolve issues with control and authority?

Sincerely,

Penny - One Tired Step Mom

Positive Parenting Advice from Family Counselor Kelly Nault on
Dealing with an Angry Kid

Dear Tired Step Mom,

Being a step mom offers a host of challenges and I applaud you
for taking the time to find a solution to your family stress.
The key to solving conflict with an angry kid like your
daughter is to understand what she really wants and give it to
her. And what an angry child really wants may just surprise
you. Transforming an Angry Kid with R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

An angry kid either wants greater control in their life or
respect from their parents (and often times both!). The more
respect you give your child (especially children approaching
the teenage years), the more respect they will give you.

Here I have used the word R.E.S.P.E.C.T as an acronym to give
you some commonsense parenting tips that can solve the conflict
in your home quickly.

R Respect Your Child – Always treat your child, as you want to
be treated. This is sometimes easier said than done but
essential to your success. Children model what they see. Even
if your child has provoked you, falling into parenting traps
such as yelling or using harsh punishment only teaches your
child to lash out and disrespect you more.

The simplest way to determine if you are being respectful is to
ask yourself: "Would I use this tone and say what I am saying to
a friend or acquaintance?" If the answer is "no" (and you're
pretty sure that they would recycle you for a new friend), it's
time to change your tone.

E Expect Respect in Return – We always treat children how to
treat us. When children are disrespectful it is important to
respond in a respectful but firm way that let's them know you
will not be walked over. Say something like, "I can see you are
angry right now. I am happy to listen to you once you use a
respectful tone with me. When you change your tone come and get
me as I really want to hear what you have to say." If they
continue being disrespectful, keep your mouth shut, walk away
and wait for them to come to you in a respectful manner before
discussing any further.

S Support Your Child – Support your child by having enough
faith in their ability to learn from their mistakes. Refrain
from "I told you so" comments and don't spend a lot of time (if
any) pointing out what they did wrong. Once things have calmed
down ask them "How did that work for you?" "What did you really
want?" and "How could you make it better next time?"

P Positive Attitude – Remaining positive helps more than we
often know to keep the atmosphere in our home supportive. Do
what you need to do to keep yourself positive by getting enough
sleep (sleep deprivation can turn us into a raving Godzilla), do
things you love to do and spend quality fun time with each of
your children.

E Encourage a cooling off period in the heat of the moment –
Continuing a fight while you are angry will never solve a
fight. When feeling angry always take a short cooling off
period so you don't escalate the fight and say something you
will regret later on.

C Create Family Rules for Fighting – When things are calm,
create family rules for fighting and post them in special
places around the house (even put one in your wallet and in the
car). Include the following: what each family member will do
during their cool down period to make themselves feel better,
an inspirational oath or prayer that you agree to read out loud
after every one has cooled down (before discussing the issue)
and specific ways each of you will listen to one another. To
get best results create this document as a family.

T Train Your Child – Good parenting means taking the time to
show your kids how to do things on their own. Give them more
responsibility over time. With a hectic schedule, it can be
easier and quicker to do the task for your kids rather than
taking the time to teach them how to do it for themselves.
Training is what gives our children a chance to develop
essential life skills, gain self-confidence, and ultimately
feel respected.

How to Ask for an Apology from an Angry Child

When we do another wrong, apologies are the path to healing.
Apologies are precious commodities that are not to be thrown
around lightly in conversation, and not to be wasted during a
heated discussion. In times of conflict, we may say something
like, "I expect an apology young lady!" in a tone that means
"NOW!" But in reality this is only a verbal punishment. The
time for apologies is when all parties are calmed down enough
to give, hear and feel them.

You can absolutely ask for an apology from you child but for
any apology to be effective it needs to have flexible terms. A
request for an apology should sound like this: "I would like an
apology when you are ready to give it." This simple statement is
honest, clear and respectful. Parents aren't the only ones
deserving of an apology. It is important for moms and dads to
apologize when they have messed up too.

Your family is fortunate to have you as their step-mom. By
remembering that your angry child is simply crying out for more
understanding and more respect you can solve the conflict that
has you so frustrated. Give them respect, expect respect in
return and watch your child's behavior change for the better.


About The Author: Kelly Nault, MA family counselor and award
winning author of When You're About To Go Off The Deep End,
Don't Take Your Kids With You inspires moms to put themselves
first—for the sake of their children. She shares time-tested
tools that motivate children to want to be well behaved,
responsible and happy! http://www.ultimateparent.com