An Inside Look at Same Sex Infidelity

by Ruth Houston

Brokeback Mountain provides a rare glimpse of what it's like to be a
victim of same sex infidelity.  Now that the controversy has subsided
about kissing cowboys and homosexual  love scenes, more people are
likely to turn their attention to this overlooked aspect of the
film.

The film's two main characters, Jack Twist and Ennis Del Mar, are
gay/ bisexual married men, who are cheating on their wives. The
Brokeback wives, Alma and Lureen, are victims of same sex
infidelity.  Alma finds out about her husband, Ennis' sexual
orientation by accident when she discovers him kissing Jack.  Lureen
is apparently unaware that her husband,  Jack,  is sexually involved
with another man.

Few people are aware that the Brokeback wives have a modern day
parallel.  The release of the Brokeback DVD, which sold 1.4 million
copies the first day,  means that new light will be shed on marriages
of mixed orientation in which one partner is straight and the other
bisesual or gay – now being referred to as "Brokeback marriages. "

Statistics on Same Sex Infidelity

Statistics confirm Brokeback Mountain's  modern day parallel.

•       According to the Centers for Disease Control, more than 3
million women are, or have been wives or girlfriends of men who
secretly have sex with other men.

•       The Straight Spouse Network, a national organization with
support groups for mixed orientation couples, estimates that at least
2 million gay / bisexual people are married to straight partners.
(This figure also includes men married to lesbians.)

•       According to the Family Pride Coalition, 20 percent of all
gay men in America are in heterosexual marriages.

•       The Family Pride Coalition also estimates that at least 50%
of all gay men in America (like Jack and Ennis, in Brokeback
Mountain) have fathered children

Still the Last to Know

As is typical with other types of infidelity ( workplace infidelity,
cyber infidelity, female infidelity, emotional infidelity) - the
victim of same sex infidelity is often the last to know.  Some women
never find out.

Women who do discover that their husbands are sexually involved with
other men are usually devastated by the dual deception.  Many of them
blame themselves for not picking up the signs,  but have no idea what
kind of signs they should have seen.

Like Jack and Ennis in Brokeback Mountain, gay/bisexual married men
are not easy to spot.  It's almost impossible to tell just by looking
at looking at them, because they seldom fit the stereotype of a gay
man.  And they're very good at hiding their secret lives.  So unless
you know what to be alert for, you'll probably miss most of the
signs, which subtle and easy to overlook.

Silent Victims and Health Concerns

Victims of same sex infidelity often face a unique kind of isolation.
Discovering that her husband or boyfriend is sexually involved with
other men can turn a woman into a silent victim.  Her husband may be
in the closet, but the wife of girlfriend of a gay or bisexual man is
in a "closet " of  her own because this is not a situation that can
be openly discussed with family or friends.  It's hard to say which
is worse – the infidelity, or the fact that it occurred with another
man.

In addition to the shock, humiliation, and feelings of rejection,
these women also have to contend with the health consequences of the
situation.  Statistics from the Centers for Disease Control indicate
that MSM ( the term researchers use for men who have sex with men)
are at greater risk for contracting HIV. They usually lead a secret
lifestyle which includes anonymous sexual encounters and unprotected
sex.  This increases the likelihood that MSM will become infected
with HIV, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea and other sexually transmitted
diseases, and pass them on to their unsuspecting mates.

Information about Same Sex Infidelity

Brokeback Mountain has women everywhere wondering. "Could this happen
to me? Could I unknowingly be in a Brokeback marriage? What are the
signs? How can I tell?

Since very little has been written about how to spot same sex
infidelity and what to do about it, last year I compiled a 2-part tip
sheet to answer the growing number of questions from my readers and
website visitors on this topic.  Requests for this tip sheet
quadrupled after Brokeback Mountain made its debut.  The information
in the same sex tip sheet comes from 11 years of researching and
documenting signs of infidelity,  and is free to anyone who e-mails
SameSex16@gmail.com with "SSI Tip Sheet" in the subject line.

The Future of a Brokeback Wife

What does the future hold for a wife who is married to a gay or
bisexual man? Can a "Brokeback marriage" survive? Surprisingly
enough, some do, according to Amity Buxton, Executive Director of the
Straight Spouse Network.  Buxton, who has studied thousands of "mixed
orientation" couples since the 1980's, says that roughly 1/3 of these
couples separate immediately. Another 1/3 stay together for a few
years,  attempting to work things out, but end up separating anyway.
But at least 1/3 of "Brokeback marriages" survive because of the
different arrangements the couples negotiate.  Some remain
monogamous, some become celibate, others establish an open marriage
in which the husband has "straying privileges".

Help for Brokeback Wives

Women  who suspect they are in a "Brokeback marriage" are encourage
to either visit www.InfidelityAdvice for more information about same
sex infidelity,  or send for the Same Sex Infidelity Tip Sheet by e-
mailing  SameSex16@gmail.com with "SSI Tip Sheet" in the subject
line.  Part 1 of the same sex infidelity tip sheet describes a
discreet 3-step procedure for finding out if your husband or
significant other is sexually involved with other men. Part 2
explains what to do, how to confront him, and where to turn for help
if you find yourself in a "Brokeback situation."  The Same Sex
Infidelity Tip Sheet is just one of many resources for women who are
married to gay or bisexual men.  In addition to books and websites on
the topic, there are discussion lists and online support groups where
women can share their concerns with others like themselves who are
struggling with issues of same sex infidelity. The Modern day
Brokeback wife no longer has to suffer in silence like Alma in
Brokeback Mountain.

About Ruth Houston:

Infidelity expert Ruth Houston is the author of Is He Cheating on
You? – 829 Telltale Signs, which documents practically every known
sign of infidelity, including the subtle signs most people overlook.
Ruth been quoted in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal,
Cosmopolitan,  the New York Post, the Chicago Tribune, the Toronto
Sun, MSN Lifestyle,  iVillage, LavaLife, Entertainment Online,
Hollywood Heat and numerous other print and online media.  She has
been a guest on The Today Show, Good Day New York, Telemundo,
1010WINS, TalkAmerica, BBC, CBC and over 250 other radio and TV talk
shows worldwide.   For more information about Ruth Houston, her book,
or about infidelity, visit http://www.InfidelityAdvice.com