Hideout Too Dark For Video
Author: Tom Attea

Apparently, unable to contain his enthusiasm for bumming out
the relatively nice and unsuspecting folks who make up much of
the Western World, the misinformed medievalist has released
another drearily threatening audiotape. Since the combined
political, military, and intelligence resources of the
civilized world cannot locate the potato head, we suggest the
audiotape be taken as an opportunity to arrest him.

Here's how. Somebody buys the resourceful recluse a video
camera and battery-powered lights. Since he long delighted to
display his narcissistic self and give voice to his lamentable
disjunction with informed thought, we assume that either he is
not currently in possession of a video camera or that he is
hunkered down in a hideout that is too dark to shoot anything
but firearms.

It cannot be that he is afraid a video will reveal his
location, because he always has the option of hanging the same
kind of chintzy curtain behind him that his original second in
medieval misguidance, Aman al-Zawahiri, uses when he comes out
of the cave long enough for his eyes to adjust to the light to
make an inflammatory video, with, we've noticed, production
values that are on about the same level as a commercial for a
discount chain that's struggling to get foothold in a Mexican
border town.

The only condition is, upon receipt of the equipment, OBL has
to agree to make a video about directions to his hideout. To
prolong his short-lived celebrity, he can even deliver it in
installments. The media will be wild for it.

We do not know why he will not accept this opportunity for the
worldwide display of his long-cramped ego, because, at last
report, he only had four wives, and, if he believes his own
deadly dumb preachments, after he goes to the paradise of his
overheated and woefully misguided imagination, he can have
twenty-seven virgins.

Of course, we must interject that any man with four wives who
would contemplate having twenty-seven virgins as a good time
has done very little reflection on what it's really like to
have four mates and has exceedingly little experience with
virgins.

He needn't be excessively concerned about these impossible
complications, however, because, as linguistic analysis has
sometime ago revealed, the Arabic word for virgin may also mean
grape, depending on whether or not it occurs with a grave. It
appears that, in the particular context in which he has applied
it to assure the ready suicide of fellow but somewhat more
imbecilic emanations from The Dark Ages, the meaning is 27
grapes. So the mad, mad Muslims slammed into our World Trade
Center – which was, in fact, a mutual treasure of the human
race, erected to facilitate worldwide economic competence and
development – and incinerated nearly three thousand of our
beloved, hard-working and comparatively normal people did it to
reap imaginary rewards they could have picked up at a fruit
market.

Meanwhile, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, his lackey who's not an Iraqi,
did his boss in absentia one better. Spiffily attired in black
as a cool enemy of humanity, he rattled on with the same
ill-informed drivel he and his mentor have both become wanted
for, even by their own people.

Ah, what a toll we must pay for the deadly duo of ignorance and
backwardness! Witness the unconscionable bombing in the Egyptian
resort of Dahab, apparently timed to follow OBL's latest
audio-only pontification.

How do people who have no feeling for their fellow human beings
expect anyone to do anything but excoriate and execute them?
Somebody ought to tell them that fellow-feeling is actually the
major sentiment that makes the human race worthy of its own
continuance upon this blessed but blighted earth.

As for OBL, when will some real-life Indiana Jones find out
where he is hiding, so we can finally give the misguided pest
his overdue rest?


About The Author: Tom Attea, creator of http://Newslaugh.com,
has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy
for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny"
and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."