Recovery From Addictions, Part 3
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

In Part 1 of this series of articles, I defined substance
and process addictions, and described the four major false
beliefs that underlie most addictions:

1. I can't handle my pain.
2. I am unworthy and unlovable.
3. Others are my source of love.
4. I can have control over how others feel about me and
treat me.

Part 2 was about the first of these beliefs – learning how
to handle pain. This article addresses the second and third
beliefs – "I am unworthy and unlovable" and "Others are my
source of love."

As small children, most of us decided that it was our fault
when we didn't get the love we needed. We decided that there
must be something basically and intrinsically wrong with us
that caused our parents or other caregivers to not love us
or to abuse us. Since we were too small to give ourselves
the love and attention we needed, we were naturally
dependent upon others for our survival. Deciding it was our
fault that we were not being loved gave us the feeling of
control: we could change ourselves and become the "right"
way in order to get the love we needed. We put aside our
wonderful essence and developed our ego/wounded self to try
to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. We went
about trying to get the love we needed from others.

The problem is we became addicted to trying to get love from
others and never learned that we can, as adults, access love
directly from our Source.

Are you operating from the false belief that you can't do
this for yourself – that you can't access the love you need
directly from your Source? Do you believe that you are
somehow defective and that the Source of love that is God
will not come to fill you with love, peace and joy? Do you
believe that you were born flawed and are therefore
undeserving of receiving love from your Source? If you are
operating from any of these false beliefs, then it is likely
that you are still looking outside yourself for a dependable
source of love.

If you could see love, you would see that we live in a
universe of love – that it is all around you as well as
within you. Your feeling self – your inner child – needs
that love to survive and thrive. It is everywhere, yet your
Child may be starving for love.

When you don't know how to access the love that is always
available to you, and you believe that it won't be there for
you anyway because you don't deserve it, it is likely that
you will turn to outside sources. You might use food as a
substitute for love, or alcohol or drugs. You might use
things – toys, clothes, objects – as substitutes for love.
Or, you might think that another person needs to be your
dependable source of love – that you need sex or attention
or approval to fill the empty place within that needs love.
You might sense that love exists within that other person,
and you might believe that he or she has more ability to
access love and bring it to you than you have. Many of the
people I work with tell me that they cannot love themselves
as well as someone else can, so they keep trying to get
someone else to take responsibility for their feelings and
needs. They keep trying to hand over their inner child to
someone else, thus creating inner abandonment.

The inner abandonment that comes from using substances,
things, activities or people as your source of love is the
real source of your pain. As long as you are making
something or someone outside yourself your dependable source
of love, you will be creating - through your
self-abandonment - the very pain you are trying so hard to
avoid.

As children, our parents were supposed to bring us love from
our Source. As adults, we are supposed to be doing this for
ourselves. But when our parents didn't show us how to do it
for ourselves because they were not doing it for themselves
or for us, we never learned how access our true Source of
love. Without this access, you will remain stuck in your
addictions, trying to fill the inner emptiness that can only
be filled with love from your Source.

In the next section of this series, I will explore the ways
you might be attempting to get others to fill you – coming
from the false belief, "I can have control over how others
feel about me and treat me," and in the final section, I
will show you how to access love from your Source.

About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.