"THEY SHOULD HAVE BEAT ME MORE" - THE CYCLE OF PHYSICAL
ABUSE

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

In December, 2005, I conducted a two-day workshop with men
who had recently been released from prison for domestic
violence. With the men were their wives, as well as the
father of a batterer who was still in prison.

The father, Douglas, sat in front of me, sharing his
childhood experiences.

"My momma was a very loving woman – a big-hearted, hard
working loving woman," he told me. From my many years of
counseling, I knew that my definition of love and his
definition of love were likely very different.

"Did she ever beat you?" I asked.

"Oh yeah. She beat me all the time. My daddy beat my momma
and my momma beat me. But she beat me because I was bad. I
was really bad. Maybe if she had beat me more, I wouldn't
have been so bad."

"What did she beat you with?"

"Anything she could get her hands on. Extension cords,
wooden spoons. Often I had to go into the yard and pick out
the switch."

"How did you feel when you knew you were going to get a
beating?"

"Oh, I was terrified. I'd beg and plead and promise not to
do again whatever it was she was mad at. But that never
worked. I always got the beating. Then after the beating she
would tell me that she loved me, that it was for my own
good, and that it hurt her more than it hurt me."

"And how were you bad?"

"Well, sometimes I'd come in late, and sometimes I would
talk back. Then I got into alcohol and drugs at a very early
age. Maybe if she had beat me more, I wouldn't have done the
alcohol and drugs."

"Why do you think you did the alcohol and drugs?"

"I was just hurtin' too much. It took me outta all the pain
for awhile."

"What was the pain?"

"I don't know. I was just hurtin' a lot."

"Do you think it is possible that you were hurting because
the woman who was supposed to protect you was instead
hurting you? That she was confusing you by telling you she
loved you while she was beating and terrifying you? That
there was no one to turn to for safety and nurturing? That
you were scared much of the time for fear of the beatings?
That you were terribly lonely and could not turn to your
parents because they were the ones causing the pain?"

Silence………Then he looked at me in shock. As the light bulb
when on in his mind, the tears started rolling down his
weathered cheeks. Soon he was sobbing.

"That's right…That's right….The beatings were the problem.
More beatings would not have helped. And I beat my children
thinking it was the right thing to do, and now my son is in
prison for beating his wife and protective services want to
take away their daughter. And I almost hit her the other day
when she didn't mind me. I'm so glad I didn't. This has to
stop! This has to stop!"

I looked around the room. Everyone was in tears. Kathy, the
wife of one of the batterers, spoke up, sobbing.

"I've always hit my kids, and no matter what anyone told me
about it not being good, it never made sense to me. This is
the first time I understand why it's not a good or loving
way to discipline my kids. And I can see why I'm having so
many problems with my older son and why he is on drugs. He
has always been furious with me and I had no idea why. Now I
understand. I need to learn a new way to discipline. I'm
going to take a parenting class and start reading parenting
books."

I hugged Douglas for the profound work he did, and for the
effect his work was having on everyone in the room. I
thanked God for giving me the privilege of working with
these people. All of them, it turned out, had been severely
beaten as children.

I am deeply grateful to James Beard who conducts workshops
within the prison with batterers and to Lindsay Wagner, who
also works with these men and their families. Both of them
were assisting me at this workshop. We all smiled at each
other in deep gratitude for the healing that was taking
place.

About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.