THE PURPOSE OF SHAME
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Many people on a healing path have found it extremely
challenging to heal their shame. Yet when you understand the
purpose of shame, you will be able to move beyond it.

Shame is the feeling that there is something basically wrong
with you. Whereas the feeling of guilt is about DOING
something wrong, shame is about BEING wrong at the core. The
feeling of shame comes from the belief that, "I am basically
flawed, inadequate, wrong, bad, unimportant, undeserving, or
not good enough."

At some early point in our lives, most of us absorbed this
false belief that causes the feeling of shame. As a result
of not feeling seen, loved, valued, and understood, we
developed the belief that we were not being loved because
there was something wrong with us. While some children were
told outright that they were not okay – that they were
stupid, bad, or undeserving – other children concluded that
there was something wrong with them by the way they were
being treated.

Once we establish our core shame belief, we become addicted
to it because it serves us in two primary ways:

1) It gives us a feeling of control over other people's
feelings and behavior.

As long as we believe that we are the cause of others'
rejecting behavior, then we can believe that there is
something we can do about it. It gives us a sense of power
to believe that others are rejecting us or behaving in
unloving ways because of our inadequacy. If is our fault,
then maybe we can do something about it by changing
ourselves, by doing things "right." We hang on to the belief
that our inadequacy is causing others' behavior because we
don't want to accept others' free will to feel and behave
however they want. We don't want to accept our helplessness
over others' feelings and behavior.

2) It protects us from other feelings that we are afraid to
feel, and gives us a sense of control over our own feelings.

As bad as shame feels, many people prefer it to the feelings
that shame may be covering up – loneliness, grief, sadness,
sorrow, or helplessness over others. Just as anger may be a
cover-up for these difficult feelings, so is shame. Shame is
totally different than loneliness or grief or helplessness
over others: While shame is a feeling that we are causing by
our own false beliefs, loneliness, grief, sadness, sorrow,
or helplessness over others are existential feelings -
feelings that are a natural result of life. We feel grief
over losing someone we love, or loneliness when we want to
connect with someone or play with someone and there is no
one around or no one open to connection, love or play. Many
people would rather feel an awful feeling that they are
causing, rather than feel the authentic painful feelings of
life. If you are finding it difficult to move beyond shame,
it is because you are addicted to the feeling of control
that your shame-based beliefs give you – control over
others' feelings and behavior and control over your own
authentic feelings. As long as having the control is most
important to you, you will not let go of your false core
shame beliefs.

You will heal from your shame when:

1) You are willing to accept that others' feelings and
behavior have nothing to do with you. When you accept that
others have free will to be open or closed, loving or
unloving - that you are not the cause of their feelings and
behavior and you no longer take others' behavior personally
- you will have no need to control it. When you let go of
your need to control others and instead move into compassion
for others, you will let go of your false beliefs about
yourself that cause the feeling of shame.

2) You are willing to feel your authentic feelings rather
than cover them up with anger or shame. When you learn to
nurture yourself by being present with caring and compassion
for your own existential feelings, you will no longer have a
need to protect against these feelings with blame or shame.

Control and shame are intricately tied together. When you
give up your attachment to control and instead choose
compassion toward yourself and others, you will find your
shame disappearing.

About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.