By Kevin Rietveld
Director SWIM

SHAME is one of those rather uncomfortable emotions that most of us
want to avoid. Shame usually comes when people find out something
about us that is not pleasant or nice. It comes when we feel
embarrassed because something unpleasant or unkind has come to light
about us.

Many people will go to great lengths to avoid being shamed. Some
people will not even stop at lying, or cheating, or even committing
murder in order to try and protect themselves from shame.

In other cases, people feel ashamed because of their weakness or
inadequacy. Other had high expectations of them, but they were just
not able to meet them. Students feel ashamed when their exam results
are not as high as what their parents expected. Employees get ashamed
when they were not able to do a job that their bosses expected of
them.

In families too, shame can easily arise, when husbands have high
expectations of their wives, and they are just not able to meet up to
the standards. Maybe they burnt the rice, or spent the food money
unwisely. Likewise, husbands feel shame when they have to own up to
buying beer with the money meant for school fees.
But there is one area where we are afraid of shame that I think is
unnecessary. It is the area of not being able to do something without
help, and having to own up to that. I think it applies particularly in
the area of marriage, but also to many other areas in our lives.

It is no secret that the institution of marriage is under threat.
While we would all honour marriage in principle, and we would all
commend it as a holy and honourable thing, yet putting our beliefs and
principles into practice is very difficult, and let's face it -
sometimes we need help. Sometimes we need to acknowledge that we just
can't make it without some outside assistance. And seeking such help,
admitting that you find it hard to manage on your own, this is no
shame. You need not be shamed of asking people for help.

One huge problem is the area of sex before marriage, and some young
girls find themselves pregnant. And sometimes it is difficult to
resist the forceful advances of some of the young men. Girls, it is no
shame to speak to your parents, or to another relative, or to a church
worker, or even a friend, and tell them your difficulty. Tell them the
struggle you are having resisting. Maybe the struggle is within
yourself, or maybe some young man is being far too insistent and
forceful, either physically or emotionally. It is no shame to ask for
help. It is no shame to ask someone to pray for you and with you,
asking God to make you strong. It is no shame to ask someone to go and
speak to any young man to warn him about the consequences of his
actions.

And the same is true for young men. If you have difficulty controlling
your lust and passion, it is no shame to seek help. It is no shame to
speak to your parents, or the pastor or priest, or some mature
Christian friend, and ask them to pray for you and to call you to
accountability. It is no shame!

Similarly, inside marriage, problems are experienced. Sometimes those
problems get a little too big to handle on your own. Sometimes you
need the advice or counsel of a friend, or church leader, or a trusted
and mature friend. It is no shame to go and get help. In fact, in the
long run, it will make you a stronger person.
It also applied to work and school situations. If there is something
you do not know how to do, or something you do not understand, it is
no shame to ask your boss or your teacher. In fact, they will
appreciate being asked, and will be all the more keen to help you.

But there is one thing in which none of us can make it on our own. We
cannot determine our destiny in the life to come. We may be able to
get through most of this life without asking any help, but we cannot
get into heaven without asking. We cannot earn or work or do any
amount of good which will qualify us for eternal life, or give us an
automatic entrance to heaven.

To get there, we will need to ask Jesus to come into our lives. We
will need to acknowledge to him our weaknesses, failures and sin. We
will need to own up that we just can't do it by ourselves - in fact we
cannot even make a contribution. But it's no shame to do that. It's no
shame to come to Christ and confess your utter need of him who is the
only door into eternal life.

It's no shame to come to him, because he invites us all to come to him
and to unburden ourselves. He welcomes us with open arms, and the
angels in heaven rejoice when even one sinner repents and turns to
Jesus.
Not only is it no shame to turn to Jesus, but you will spend eternity
regretting it if you don't.

Copyright (c) 2004 Solomon Star Newspaper, Honiara, Solomon Islands