Bush Reveals New Missile Defense; Guides Weapon
Back To Launching Pad
Author: Tom Attea

Rest easy, America, even when you contemplate the abbreviated
flight of North Korea's errant but someday, they hope,
long-range Taepodong 2 missile – a name that, should the nation
ever decide to enter the capitalist hustings, doesn't sound like
a very promising appellation for a new car.

In the wake of the miscalculated launch of seven missiles by
North Korea, including a Taepodong 2, President Bush told
reporter Larry Wing in an exclusive interview, "We've got a
missile defense system that will defend our country. We don't
just shoot down the enemy missile. We guide it back to where it
came from. So anybody who launches a missile at the United
States of America better clear out, because soon it'll be on
the way back at them, point first."

The revelation of the innovative missile defense system stunned
Mr. Wing. "I thought we were still trying to perfect the star
wars system initiated by President Reagan, where, if we're
lucky, we can at least shoot down an enemy missile. But guide
it back to the launching pad? This is the first time I've heard
of it."

"Well, Larry, as you know, I'm the President, and as such I get
to hear about things like this even before a fine and flattering
reporter like you does."

"I'll say," Larry Wing commented. "Mind if I ask how it works?"


"I don't have a clue," Bush said, "but the military has assured
me that we've got the capability."

"When was work on this new missile defense launched?" Mr. Wing
queried.

"Actually, I get all the credit," Bush said.

"How's that?" Mr. Wing asked, startled. "I didn't know you're a
missile defense kind of guy."

"I'm not, technically speaking. But I was spending so much
money in Iraq one of our more reflective missile techs got to
thinking, why just blow a missile up in the middle of the air
and waste all that explosive power. Think of the money we'd
save if we could just turn the payload around and send it back
at the enemy. Once he had the idea, I understand he was able to
devise the joystick program to guide it in less than five
minutes."

"Really? And how reliable is this new system?"

"All I can tell you is, developing missiles is not the way for
anymore counties to go. They're wasting their time and, in
light of our new missile defense, they're actually, in you
think about it, indirectly aiming their missiles smack dab at
themselves. Now, that's what I call a deterrent."

"I'll say," Mr. Wing replied. "I wonder how North Korea and
Iran will respond to this news?"

"I think they'll take notice," he said. "And anything that
makes America safer is something I'm for, especially when it
also saves on the cost of TNT or enriched uranium. The only
more economical thing I can think of would be to guide the
missile to one of our air force bases for a soft landing, so we
could just point it back at the enemy for future use. If one of
our technical boys figures out a way, I'll get credit for that
idea, too, because right now is the first time I thought of it.
And you're my witness, right?"

"Yes, sir," Larry agreed. "Wow, with an innovative president
like you in the Oval Office, I sleep a lot better at night."

"Thank you. Frankly, I'm awake all night. But I do spend a good
deal of time sleeping during the day."

With that, his eyes glazed over and then dropped shut.

"Mr. President?" Wing asked. "Oh, Mr. President?"

But the Pres did not stir.

So Mr. Wing turned to the camera and said, "I guess that's it,
folks. I can interview anyone, but even I have a tough time
when my guest conks out."


About The Author: Tom Attea, humorist and creator of
http://NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway
and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing
""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."