Nuclear Panhandling; North Korea And Iran Seek
To Trade Threats Of Oblivion For Alms
Author: Tom Attea

Remember nuclear blackmail? Apparently, North Korea and Iran
have refined the practice into outright panhandling. Let's
indulge, with a not entirely charitable examination, this new
and nettlesome version of "Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?"

Standing on the most conspicuous street corners the two
beggarly brats can manage in our minds, they proffer their
illicit cups in quest of alms, while they wiggle their nascent
nuclear capabilities at our noses.

North Korea plays What The Heck's Bad Boy and launches seven
missiles obviously calculated to fly in the face of the
civilized world's most anxious hand-wringing, and Iran
continues to enrich uranium while European negotiators heap
ever more incentives into its cynically proffered tin.

How deserving are these increasingly irksome beggars?

North Korea has the thorny problem of watching its Asian
neighbors ascend ever more successfully in the world's economic
stratosphere while its own economy rumbles along in a decrepit
cart composed of dusty economic lumber that has long since
proven to be inherently impoverishing. So it finds itself in
desperate and really quite incriminating need of mere
sustenance.

Meanwhile, Iran's economy skids along via the oil beneath its
sacred sand, with a little bit of help from the remnants of its
Caspian caviar trade, but the mullahdom is hardly a candidate to
join the ranks of the world's most industrialized nations. The
theocracy does, in fact, have an irritating unemployment
problem, particularly among its perhaps not eternally
submissive young people.

Apparently, modernity at the enterprising level does not
inspirit the ever-turbaned fundamentalist as it might a more
enlightened and lax attendee at the local mosque. So, despite
the bountiful blessings that might be expected by placing
themselves under the rule of its most pious adherents of
Mohammed, the citizenry finds itself less than abundantly
heaped with earthbound rewards. All the better for its wily
leaders to distract them with flattering flights of unfounded
egomania, especially since the distraction can elicit a
plentitude of salving alms for oblivion.

Obviously, their nuclear capabilities pose a very unlikely
threat. Unleashing even the worst they could ever manage would
only invite the world's more capably arrayed nuclear powers to
incinerate an unacceptable proportion of their citizenry and
infrastructure.

Given that their weapon wagging is ultimately a farcical
pretense, will dropping a heartfelt gift in their cups get them
off the street or encourage them to return again?

We think the latter. Then what else might we do as a substitute
for giving into their clamorous demands for a spare dime.

Since institutionalization is more applicable to mentally
defective individuals and arrest to overly intrusive ones, are
there doable equivalents to rein in international panhanders?

As a ready substitute for institutionalization, we suggest
letting the pretenders stew in their own waywardness by
ignoring them. There is nothing they can do but brandish their
weapons until they grow weary of the tactic and turn to more
responsible means of support.

And, as the equivalent of arrest, we can lock them away with
sanctions that fit the crimes until they realize that their new
form of connivance just doesn't pay but, in fact, results in
making their unfortunate lots even more discouraging to them
and their disciples.

So, while civilized nations tend to mix tenderheartedness with
wariness, we really just need to steel ourselves and walk on by
this duplicitous duo of irresponsible funraisers.


About The Author: Tom Attea, humorist and creator of
http://NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway
and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing
""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."