MEN, WOMEN, AND SEX
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

During my many years of counseling couples, I have
frequently worked with the sexual problems that often occur
in committed relationships. The most common complaint from
men regarding sex is frequency, and the most common
complaint from woman is lack of emotional intimacy.

There is a very good reason why these are the most common
complaints – men and women are very different when it comes
to sex!

The biological sexual drive, or lack of it, relates to how
much testosterone is present. Men biologically have much
more testosterone than women. Men's biology equips them to
be ready for sex most of the time, which is nature's way of
ensuring the survival of the species. Women, on the other
hand, often do not experience a biological sexual drive
unless they are in the middle of their menstrual cycle. This
fact can create a big problem in relationships.

I've often heard men complain that:

"It's not fair. My wife is in control of our sex life. If
she wants it, then we have it. If she doesn't, then I have
no say about it. Why does it always have to be her way?"

"My wife complains that she needs to feel intimate before we
make love, but I get to intimacy through making love."

"I don't reach out for sex much anymore because I'm tired of
being rejected, but my wife says she wants to be pursued in
a romantic way. This feels like a no-win to me."

"I think if my wife really cared about me and my needs, she
would have sex with me even when she wasn't turned on."

I've often heard women complain that:

"He always seems to be ready for sex, but I don't feel
turned on unless we are feeling close. I can't just watch TV
all evening and then feel like making love."

"I often feel pulled on for sex, as if having sex is more
important than caring about me. When I do what he wants, I
feel used, and when I don't, I run into his anger,
resentment, blame or withdrawal. It feels like a no-win."

"My husband often comes to me like a needy little boy,
wanting me to pacify him or validate him with sex. Ugh!
There is nothing erotic about an insecure, needy little
boy!"

"There must be something wrong with me. I just don't ever
feel turned on anymore."

The very real issue here, at least for most men under 40, is
that they are biologically motivated and women are mostly
emotionally motivated. Heterosexual women get turned on when
their man is warm, open, caring, and personally powerful.
Most women are not turned on by a man who is closed,
distant, angry, blaming, or needy.

The problems of frequency can get resolved as men and women
learn to understand and accept each other's differences. Men
need to understand and accept that women are not as
biologically motivated as men are. Many women rarely even
think about sex, while most men will tell you that they
think about sex frequently throughout the day. When men
understand that women are turned on by love, romance,
emotional intimacy, warmth, caring, and personal power, then
men may be motivated to learn to be the loving, powerful and
romantic partners that women want and need.

When women can accept that men's biology is very present for
them, they can stop putting men down for it and start
supporting their men in creating more emotional intimacy,
romance, and personal power. When women criticize men
instead of understanding and accepting them, they help to
create some of the insecurity that is such a turn off to
many women. When a woman can appreciate rather than demean
her man for his sexuality, she can find ways of meeting his
needs without feeling used.

Understanding and accepting each other's differences and
needs can lead both men and women toward more satisfying sex
lives.

About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D . is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and Healing Your Aloneness She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.