Going For A Win-Win Result - A Guide To Being Assertive
Kate Harper

"The basic difference between being assertive and being
aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and
well being of others"

Sharon Anthony Bower

It is interesting that many people still confuse being
assertive with being aggressive. How about you? Have you learnt
the difference? Forgive me if you have, but for those of you who
still aren't quite clear, here is a quick guide to assertiveness
– going for the win-win result.

Assertiveness is a behavior or skill that helps you to
communicate, clearly and with confidence, your feelings, needs,
wants and thoughts, whilst acknowledging the needs of others. It
means that you are able to state your opinions without feeling
self-conscious, as well as being able to express your emotions
openly. Being assertive will enable you to make clear to others
how you wish to proceed in all aspects of your life. At the same
time you will value others, respecting their right to an opinion
as well. Through effective, assertive communication you will be
able to express how you wish to move forward.

Is there an issue that needs to be resolved? Before confronting
someone, why not write down what you are going to say? Be
polite, concise and include the following elements: the nature
of the problem; how it affects you; how you feel about it; what
you want to change. Be prepared to negotiate if necessary to
bring resolution. By using tact and foresight and by making the
effort to see the other point of view and acknowledging it you
will place yourself in a position of strength. Be prepared to
offer a compromise if that fits in with what you are aiming to
achieve. Assertiveness does not mean digging your heels in for
the sake of it!

Are you behaving passively? Do you think it is selfish to say
what you want? Do you worry that if you refuse to do something,
then people won't like you? Or do you think that other people
should know what you want? Sorry. Most people are so wound up
with their own thoughts and worries that they usually haven't
time to be second-guessing you. By being clear and prepared to
defend your own position if necessary, you will be able to
build better relationships with those around you.

Feeling aggressive? Take it out in the gym, on a punch ball or
on the running track rather than at work or at home. Aggression
is emotion out of control and can be very destructive. A
physical activity can help you to diffuse the aggression.

One of the great skills of an assertive person is the ability
to say "no". Be brief and to the point. Be honest. If you know
an unwelcome request is coming your way practice saying "no" in
advance. What are you going to say and do? If necessary, use the
'Broken Record Technique' where you just keep repeating your
statement softly, calmly and persistently. Don't confuse
rejecting a request with rejecting the person making the
request. Most people are happy to accept an honest "no" if it
is expressed appropriately. The first time will be the hardest!


Practice the body movements of an assertive person. When
standing, be upright and relaxed with open hand gestures. Relax
your facial features and make firm and direct eye contact with
whoever you are communicating with. This does not mean that you
spend the day grinning! Your facial expression needs to be
appropriate to how you are feeling, so that you don't give out
any mixed messages. If you are pleased, smile, but if you
aren't so happy with the way things are, feel free to frown.

Show a willingness to explore other solutions than your own if
necessary. Encourage creativity from all. "How can we solve
this problem?" will encourage others to tap into their
resourcefulness. Sometimes it just takes a bit of
encouragement.

Weigh the costs. Telling other people how you feel also makes
it easier for them to communicate their feelings to you.
Assertiveness is about acknowledging that all opinions are
important – "I matter and so do you". By being passive or
aggressive you will lose out. Being assertive costs nothing but
brings many benefits. You will be able to communicate better,
command respect and be listened to within respectful,
negotiating relationships. Win-Win? Definitely!


About The Author: Kate Harper is based in the beautiful
Highlands of Scotland. Check out her website
http://www.harpercoaching.com She works with people who are fed
up with moaning about their lives and have decided to do
something about it. If that is you, please take a look at
Kate's website. Her special interest is in promoting Wellbeing
through coaching. She is happy to work with people from any
part of the world. "The distance is nothing; it is only the
first step that is difficult." Madame Marie du Deffand Take
your first step today and contact Kate.