Domestic Violence Counseling: When the Counselor Becomes Your Enemy
Author: Dr Jeanne King PhD


I often hear domestic violence survivors complain that the
counselor they are seeing with their partner has sided with
him/her. These victims expected to seek therapeutic remedy
for the dysfunction that they live, and they discover they
have gained another "enemy."

Here are some things you will want to know if you are going
to a therapist with your partner for domestic abuse.

1) Expect the therapy to be fertile ground for a
continuation of what you experience in the privacy of your
own home.

2) Anticipate that when you return home, the dynamics that
you sought help for have solidified. That's right you heard
me: the abuse dynamic is stronger, bigger...you might even
say, "more in your face."

3) Expect that when push comes to shove, the therapist will
most likely be singing the abuser's song, and you will feel
like you have two enemies.

4) Know AND trust it's not about you. An open ear
gravitates to the louder, more domineering voice. And when
it comes to abusive relationships, we all know which
partner will have the more convincing voice, no matter how
compelling the victim's story.

5) As soon as you are willing to take responsibility for
your error in choosing this type of therapist/therapy,
request termination. You see, you are in the wrong kind of
therapy for domestic violence. Marital and couples therapy
is actually contra-indicated for domestic abuse. It's more
likely to exacerbate intimate partner violence.

6) Find a therapist, who has expertise in domestic violence
intervention, to work with you individually. And encourage
your partner to seek individual therapy if he/she is
willing. If he/she does (which is not likely), request that
your two individual therapists interact from time to time.

There are as many ways to impact change in a dysfunctional
relationship as there are dysfunctional relationships. One
thing is for sure: marital and couples therapy is not
appropriate for domestic abuse.

You see marital therapy is based on a "systems" approach.
And the goal of the system is to maintain its homeostasis
(that is, its balance). To this end, the responsibility for
the dysfunctional dynamics within the system is spread
equally across the system. However, this is what solidifies
the abuse dynamic.

Suffice it to say, marital therapy and couples counseling
is not the right therapy for your problem. The sooner you
find the appropriate type of intervention and the right
therapist for yourself, the sooner you will be on your way
to safety and peace in your life.


About the Author:

For more information about domestic violence counseling,
visit http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/consulting.html . And
to read insights on ending domestic abuse see,
http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/ebooks.php . Dr.
Jeanne King is a seasoned psychologist and domestic
violence intervention expert. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King,
Ph.D.