Have you ever had an argument? It's a silly question, for sure. Everyone
has. You know, in that moment, when you're so sure that you're right, when
you just wish the other person would hear you - your version of reality,
that is, your right way of looking at the world. If they would only
understand the world the way you do, everything would be fine!
But then, they are thinking the same thing in that moment, believing you
should listen to them. Their way, after all, is the right way, the only way.
Can't you understand?
And then, the next day, you both wonder what you were arguing about. It's
often something arbitrary, and even when it is something important, or
seemingly important, it's not nearly as significant as the damage done to
each other in the process. The struggle is not about the thing or situation,
but rather an internal struggle that was played out between two or more
people.
Observing Our Thoughts
For example, I have an idea for solving a problem. Having an idea is good.
This is not the problem. The problem occurs when I become attached to that
idea being the best idea. I believe it's the "right" way. The only way. And
in that moment, if I listen to these thoughts and I need to be right, then
you must be wrong. And if I am not very empathetic, or if I forget to
coffee.), I can become pretty forceful about making my idea heard. I might
even tell you how inaccurate or improbable your idea is just to make my
point.
When this happens, I stop valuing you as a human being and instead, value my
idea above all else, to the detriment of our relationship and my
self-control. In other words, this is when things get ugly.
An idea is never of greater value
is nothing grander than our ideas, being heard, and being right.
Since I am devaluing you in favor of my great idea, the result is that you
feel bad, belittled, and uncomfortable. You may become angry. Depending
upon your modus operandi, you might withdraw and shrink, saying nothing but
feeling hurt and wounded wishing for it to be over. You could become
resentful (angry at yourself) for not being able to stand up for yourself.
On the other hand, if you have an idea that you believe to be "right," then
you might start telling me how bad my idea is and we go back and forth,
hurting each other.
The more you feel yourself pushing or forcing your idea on someone else, the
more this thought pattern is taking over. It's in charge. It feels like you
have lost yourself and someone else is taking over as you watch this drama
unfold. And if it happens often, you might even feel like it's an automatic
response, one that you are so accustomed to that you believe it's just "who
you are."
The Self-Esteem Challenge
There are other factors at work here. As I go about telling you how wrong
you are, your self-esteem could be impacted. For many people, their value
believe you have as a human being comes from your ideas, then what you hear
is not that I don't like your idea or that your idea has no merit; but
rather you hear, "She doesn't like me." You hear that YOU have no value. And
in the scheme of things, we ALL have to have value so you will defend
yourself and your idea to the nth degree in order to feel valued.
I hurt myself, too, because it does not feel good for me to put you down,
push you away, and make you become defensive, even though I may be quite
unaware of what I am doing and the impact it's having on you. I
important, to be in control, or to have power and authority.
And this is how it is. We hurt each other with our need to be right, to be
heard, and to have value. In the process, we devalue each other by, in
essence, valuing our ideas above the other person. Ouch.
Value Yourself and Others
What we really want is to feel valued. We want to feel that we matter in the
scheme of things. That it is okay to be me, to think my thoughts and feel my
feelings, and that you are okay to think your thoughts and feel your
feelings too. To feel that no matter what we say, we are okay. We want to
make our point and not
feel like we are wrong or that our ideas don't count. We do count. And our
ideas do matter.
How can we stop fighting each other, arguing with each other, and devaluing
or hurting each other?
Each of us must do our part by first strengthening our self-esteem, finding
value within ourselves instead of looking for it from all the wrong places;
and second, we need to let go of our need to be right. Everyone is right
from their own perspective - in their own mind. Let's learn to value the
ideas and perspectives of others. This doesn't mean you have to agree;
rather you only need to give the person your attention and be interested.
Validate the person for sharing their idea. Perhaps you could start
listening for what is good about the idea rather than what is wrong or
inaccurate. If we all did this, then we would strengthen our relationships,
build each other up rather than tear each other down, and we would be able
to synergize our best thinking which could lead to greater innovation,
cooperation, passion, and productivity.
It's not an easy task to let go of the attachment to your idea, to being
right, especially when you are right. There will be times when you know the
person is making a mistake but they are unable or unwilling to hear
additional information to make a better choice. You want so much for them to
make a different choice but they are fixated on their decision and it is not
your decision to make. By not pushing your ideas or knowledge onto them, it
might feel as though you are giving up a part of you, making the other
person think that you agree or are caving in. Give them permission to be
where they are in their personal development. Give the person permission to
think their own thoughts and make their own choices, even if it is a
mistake; they'll learn from it. That is the right we all have as free human
beings.
Ask yourself what really matters in this moment. Is it worth hurting someone
to get your point across? What's the point? Are you doing it to sound smart
or impress them? Is it for you or will it really add value to that person?
It might seem difficult to step back from your thoughts, but you are NOT
your thoughts. They are not who you are. Your mind is a tool for your use;
you are not its servant. Make it your ally and choose to be in charge. In
the end, caring more about the human being standing in front of you, rather
than your idea of what is right or wrong, will add the greatest value and
feel better for all involved.
Julie Fuimano, RN, MBA, CSAC is named one of the TOP 100 THOUGHT LEADERS in
personal leadership development. Your happiness and success is her business!
Her coaching clients experience dramatic and profound results in their
productivity, level of confidence, and their relationships. As a certified
coach, accomplished writer, and motivational speaker, Julie empowers your
personal best and teaches you simple, practical tools for meeting your
goals, communicating effectively with others, and enjoying yourself at work
and at home. Visit www.NurturingYourSuccess.com
Julie or contact Julie@NurturingYourSuccess.com to have her speak at your
next meeting or conference. Subscribe to her blog at
www.NurturingYourSuccessBlog.com
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