The Narcissist and Psychopath Getting Better
By Sam Vaknin
Question:

Can a narcissist ever get better and, if not, how should his partner end a
relationship with him?

Answer:

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a systemic, all-pervasive
condition, very much like pregnancy: either you have it or you don't. Once
you have it, you have it day and night, it is an inseparable part of the
personality, a recurrent set of behaviour patterns.

Recent research shows that there is a condition, which might be called
"Transient or Temporary or Short-Term Narcissism" as opposed to the
full-fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (NPD) [Ronningstam, 1996].
The phenomenon of "reactive narcissistic regression" or Acquired Situational
Narcissism is well known: people regress to a transient narcissistic phase
in reaction to a major life crisis which threatens their mental composure.

There are narcissistic touches in every personality and in this sense, all
of us are narcissists to some extent. But this is a far cry from the NPD
pathology.

One bit of good news: no one knows why, but, in certain cases, though
rarely, with age (in one's forties), the disorder seems to mutate into a
subdued version of its former self. This does not universally occur, though.

Should a partner stay on with a narcissist in the hope that his disorder
will be ameliorated by ripe age? This is a matter of value judgement,
preferences, priorities, background, emotions and a host of other
"non-scientific" matters. There could be no one "correct" answer. It would
seem that the only valid criterion is the partner's well-being. If he or she
feels bad in a relationship (and no amount of self-help or of professional
help changes that) - then looking for the exit door sounds like a viable and
healthy strategy.

A relationship with a narcissist consists of dependence, even symbiosis.
Moreover, the narcissist is a superb emotional manipulator and extortionist.
In some cases, there is real threat to his mental stability. Even
"demonstrative" (failed) suicide cannot be ruled out in the repertory of
narcissistic reactions to abandonment. And even a modest amount of residual
love harboured by the narcissist's partner makes the separation very
difficult for him or her.

But there is a magic formula.

The narcissist teams up with his partner because he regards IT as a Source
of Narcissistic Supply. He values the partner as such a source. Put
differently: the minute the partner ceases to supply him with what he
needs - the narcissist loses all interest in IT. (I use IT judiciously - the
narcissist objectifies his partners, he treats them as he would inanimate
objects.)

The transition from over-valuation (bestowed upon potential and actual
Sources of Narcissistic Supply) to devaluation (reserved for other mortals)
is so swift that it is likely to inflict pain upon the narcissist's partner,
even if she previously prayed for the narcissist to depart and leave her
alone. The partner is the narcissist's pusher and the drug that she is
proffering is stronger than any other drug because it sustains the
narcissist's very essence (his False Self).

Without Narcissistic Supply the narcissist disintegrates, crumbles and
shrivels - very much as vampires do in horror movies when exposed to
sunlight.

Here lies the partner's salvation. An advice to you: if you wish to sever
your relationship with the narcissist, stop providing him with what he
needs. Do not adore, admire, approve, applaud, or confirm anything that he
does or says. Disagree with his views, belittle him, reduce him to size,
compare him to others, tell him that he is not unique, criticise him, make
suggestions, offer help. In short, deprive him of that illusion which holds
his personality together.

The narcissist is a delicately attuned piece of equipment. At the first sign
of danger to his inflated, fantastic and grandiose self - he will disappear
on you.

Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self
Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East.
He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review,
PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI)
Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central
East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.