Explaining Death To A Child
Author: David Beart

Death is a very complicated part of life that even adults tend
to struggle with. There are questions as they relate to the
fairness or unfairness of death, question regarding what might
happen to the soul, and questions about our own mortality that
adults don't quite understand. Explaining death to a child
doesn't mean that you have all the answers, but that you offer
them the best comfort you can. Some of the leading experts have
a few recommendations. My own recommendation is that you speak
from your heart and the belief that everything will be okay.

Death is not sleep and sleeping does not equate death. While we
don't want to explain to our children that death can be painful
and we want to leave them with the impression that death can be
peaceful, like sleeping, telling our children that death is like
going to sleep forever can be harmful. First, it can give them
the impression that falling asleep at night can mean they will
die, or that their family members may die if they sleep at
night. It also removes the idea of permanency of death, and
younger children may feel as though the deceased may magically
awaken and come back to them.

Death is a process of life. Death means for some people the end
of life and for others it means a new eternal life. Ideas of
Heaven and Hell vary by religious orientation, personal
beliefs, and spiritual concepts that we each hold dear. It is
okay to not know all the answers about death. It is okay to
present different belief systems and leave parts of the
afterlife a mystery as it truly is for all of us. It is
acceptable to explain that different people believe different
things about where the soul goes after life is over.

The soul is a mysterious entity even to adults. We understand
the concept of a soul, but it's not something we can describe.
This can make explaining any type of afterlife difficult for in
a method that a child can really grasp, but introducing
principles to a child who is emotionally and intellectually
ready allows them to process things in their own way. Allowing
children their own processing is positive, provided it is
grounded in a basic reality. They may describe Heaven as a
place they know or create a magical story about Heaven, and
this is fine. They may begin to talk about how God can do
anything and God can bring Grandma back to life if He really
wants to warrants adequate discussion.

One of the most asked questions in the wake of death that
therapists hear most often is should we bring a child to a
funeral? The answer to this question depends on the child, the
relationship that the child had with the deceased, and whether
or not there is the belief that the child will gain anything
from it. Explaining funerals to a child is always a good idea.
Allowing them the option to participate in the process of
saying goodbye can be very healthy.

Most people expect children to cry right away when they are
told about the death of someone they love. Some children do but
other children do not. This may be in part because they haven't
understood what has happened or it may be because they are
looking to the adults in their life to know how to respond. It
is okay to allow children to see some tears. It can be a little
frightening for a child to watch a parent or adult cry, and
hurling yourself down on the floor in complete agony should not
be done in the presence of a child. It is appropriate for a
parent to explain that they loved the deceased very much and
they are sad because they will miss them.

Explaining death to a child takes a fine balance between
honesty and optimistic and hopeful spirituality. Allowing a
child to process death and answering their questions is harder
than explaining the event of death. Children believe that
parents have all the answers and we don't want to disappoint
them, but in all honesty we have our faiths and our beliefs but
we can never be 100% sure when it comes to questions of death
and mortality. Questions regarding a child's mortality become
even harder. It is okay to place their death far off in the
future, rather than presenting the option that anyone can die
any day of the week. We are not trying to scare children, but
give them as much honesty as is helpful to their own
processing.

Some children will accept the terms which are laid out while
others will questions death, God, the existence of angels and
Heaven and the soul for weeks or even months after the event.
Patience tends to run thin only when the answers to the
questions are not obvious. It gets difficult when the only
answer a parent continuously has is, "I don't know." When
children are asking questions that can not be answered, it is
okay to explain various theories to them and discuss
possibilities.

When we are explaining death to a child, we can not allow our
own fears and uncertainties to cloud the answers we give their
questions. Simultaneously, we can not allow our preparedness to
force them into questioning the spiritual world. Allowing a
child to lead in this case is fine, as long as they are
expressing their thoughts feelings and hopes (or not expressing
them in some cases) in an age appropriate and healthy manner.

About The Author: David Beart is the owner of
http://www.professorshouse.com . Our site covers family issues
such as raising children, teenagers, marriage, forums and
relationships.