You Taught Them To Treat You That Way
Author: Sandy Nathan

"Everyone in your life treats you the way you taught them to
treat you," my professor said. The class sat, open-mouthed. We
were studying social learning theory, otherwise known as
behaviorism. In behaviorism, what you do is seen as the key to
life. Our professor gave one exception, "You can run into a
criminal who just hurts people. That can happen randomly.
Everyone else––you taught."

We taught those rotten no-goods who were driving us crazy to do
what they did to us? If we were going to pass that class, we had
to give the idea lip service. It turned out to be one of the
most powerful concepts I know.

Recently, I was involved in a group. It was a way above average
group in terms of the members' intelligence and ability. Like
all groups, it had a power hierarchy and values. It had rules:
Only talk about things that show you to be charming, smart, or
skilled. Don't talk about your feelings, especially if they
might show. Don't comment on or notice the group's functioning.


After existing under these rules for six months, I felt like a
three year old: powerless and impotent. My feelings came to a
peak and I was ready to quit. The words of that professor,
uttered years ago, came to me. "You taught them to treat you
that way."

I realized that I had. Those rules would box me in and strip me
of power. I accepted them. What did I do after realizing that?

1. I made a clear, specific list of what I had been doing and
stopped those behaviors. If what you're doing it isn't working,
stop doing it.

2. I made contact with people who did value me. Some I told
about what was happening––tea and sympathy is good, as long as
you look at what you did to create your situation. Some I just
dropped a line, said, "Hi." Hang with those who bring you up.

3. I wrote this article. I'm down in the trenches like you,
trying to manage life day by day. One of the most powerful
things you can do to heal yourself is pass on your learning and
help others.

4. I recognized that I would never make it in that group. I
wrote a list of my needs and ways to fulfill them, and moved to
get what I really wanted from people who value me.

You may say, "Well, yeah. You can leave that group, but my
husband beats me. He'd kill me if I left." Or, "But it's my
boss. He scares me and hurts my feelings, but my job depends
upon doing what he says."

Sadistic bullies are out there. Some are very dangerous. You
can get free. It may take all your courage and smarts, but you
can do it. I say this, having ordered Hell's Angels types out
of my house and having left some very scary, toxic people.

Make a plan to free yourself and do it. Get help from the law
or domestic violence support networks. Seek counseling. Job
counseling, too. Other jobs exist. Psychological abuse can be
regarded as appropriate "tough guy" business behavior. It's
not. I've worked with some of the best management trainers in
the world. They don't operate like that.

Know that who you are––the true you––is great. You deserve the
best. What are you teaching others now? What do you want to
teach them? Do that.


About The Author: Sandy Nathan is not a blazing new talent.
"I'm a blazing old talent. I'm a mother, a grandmother and
someone who's had several professional careers. My first
published book was in economics. Read more about Sandy at
http://www.sandynathan.com