Preserving Identity In Stepfamilies
Author: Kalman Heller

One of the primary issues that makes life in a stepfamily so
challenging is that each person belongs to more than one family
constellation: there are biological connections and those
created through re-marriage. A 9 y.o. girl who lives with her
divorced mother and visits her re-married father whose new wife
has two children from her previous marriage is constantly
shifting roles. Even when home with her mother, it's not the
intact family she knew through her early years and her
relationship with her mother may be altered into part
confidante, part daughter. Plus if her mother is in a
relationship, that adds to the complexity.

When she visits her father, she has a biological parent
relationship mixed with the stepmother relationship as well as
relating to the two of them as "parents". Then there is the
shift from being an only child in one home to having
stepsiblings in the other - and if one of the stepsibs is older,
she has to adjust to a different sibling position. Of course we
need to throw in a new set of stepgrandparents and the remainder
of that extended family. Now if her mother remarries and if
either or both of the parents have children of their own, the
complexities multiply geometrically.

It is easy for any member of such a complex family structure to
feel lost, left out, displaced, hurt, angry. Most stepfamilies
need assistance to navigate such complex waters in order to
achieve stability and healthy relationships. In working with
these families, I stress the importance of four recommendations
to help preserve each person's core identity which they need in
order to cope with the fluidity and the transitions that are a
routine part of life in a stepfamily.

First, everybody, meaning both children AND adults, needs a
space of their own, regardless of how much time each spends in a
home. Certainly each child needs their own bed, dresser, and
shelves, with certain clothes, toys, and other possessions that
remain there and are respected by everyone else. This is done in
most families. But what is often missed is the same need for the
adults, especially when frequently one spouse has moved into the
home of the other spouse and has difficulty (often unstated)
feeling like it is really their home as well. So each spouse
should have, to whatever degree space allows, anything from a
nook to a room where they can set up some of their special
things that ties their present life to their past and helps to
maintain a sense of continuity about who they are.

Second, the biologically-related family members need to spend
some time alone during visitations. All the relationships are
not equal and attempts to make them so denies reality and
creates hurts and jealousies. Children know the reality and will
accept honest and logical behavior. So when our nine-year-old
visits her father, they should go off and do some things alone.
This doesn't preclude the integration of this girl into the
family as a whole or the support for developing strong ties with
her stepfamily, but that will take time and is best when not
hurried. In the meantime, experiencing the entire family's
support for her and her father to have their special time
reduces her fears of "losing" him to everybody else and
re-affirms her primary identity as his natural daughter.

Third, it is very important to share with everyone the
narratives that define the history of each branch of the family.
Time should be spent telling stories and looking at old picture
albums and creating drawings of family trees so everyone can
know not only who they are but who each other is.

Fourth, the remarried couple is the key relationship if a
stepfamily is to be a successful place to live and flourish. It
forms the stable core in the midst of all these fluid boundaries
and identities that I've been referring to and must be a
priority. Yet, it is much more challenging to do this because
there are so many special issues and needs within the family
that the marriage is often pushed to the background. Remember
that most remarriages involve pre-existing families and,
therefore, the couple does not get a period of time to just be a
couple. They are instantly challenged to adjust to being parents
before they have solidified their own relationship. So they must
find ways to keep making time to work on that process for years
into their marriage.


About The Author: Dr. Heller is a clinical psychologist, now
retired, who specialized in providing services to children,
families, and couples since 1968. He has written over 150
columns about parenting and marriage which are available on his
website, http://www.drheller.com