Contracting with Your Abuser


By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

How can one negotiate with an abuser without incurring his wrath? What is
the meaning of contracts "signed" with bullies? How can one motivate the
abuser to keep his end of the bargain - for instance, to actually seek
therapy and attend the sessions? And how efficacious is psychotherapy or
counseling to start with?

It is useless to confront the abuser head on and to engage in power politics
("You are guilty or wrong, I am the victim and right", "My will should
prevail", and so on). It is decidedly counterproductive and unhelpful and
could lead to rage attacks and a deepening of the abuser's persecutory
delusions, bred by his humiliation in the therapeutic setting. Better, at
first, to co-opt the abuser's own prejudices and pathology by catering to
his infantile emotional needs and complying with his wishes, complex rules
and arbitrary rituals.

Here a practical guide how to drag your abuser into treatment and into a
contract of mutual respect and cessation of hostilities (assuming, of
course, you want to preserve the relationship):

1. Tell him that you love him and emphasize the exclusivity of your
relationship by refraining, initially and during the therapy, from
anxiety-provoking acts. Limiting your autonomy is a temporary sacrifice -
under no circumstances make it a permanent feature of your relationship.
Demonstrate to the abuser that his distrust of you is misplaced and
undeserved and that one of the aims of the treatment regimen is to teach him
to control and reduce his pathological and delusional jealousy.

2. Define areas of your common life that the abuser can safely - and without
infringing on your independence - utterly control. Abusers need to feel that
they are in charge, sole decision-makers and arbiters.

3. Ask him to define - preferably in writing - what he expects from you and
where he thinks that you, or your "performance" are "deficient". Try to
accommodate his reasonable demands and ignore the rest. Do not, at this
stage, present a counter-list. This will come later. To move him to attend
couple or marital therapy, tell him that you need his help to restore your
relationship to its former warmth and intimacy. Admit to faults of your own
which you want "fixed" so as to be a better mate. Appeal to his narcissism
and self-image as the omnipotent and omniscient macho. Humour him for a
while.

4. Involve your abuser, as much as you can, in your life. Take him to meet
your family, ask him to join in with your friends, to visit your workplace,
to help maintain your car (a symbol of your independence), to advise you on
money matters and career steps. Do not hand over control to him over any of
these areas - but get him to feel a part of your life and try to mitigate
his envy and insecurity.

5. Encourage him to assume responsibility for the positive things in his
life and in your relationship. Compliment the beneficial outcomes of his
skills, talents, hard work, and attitude. Gradually, he will let go of his
alloplastic defences - his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every
failure, or mishap on others, or on the world at large.

6. Make him own up to his feelings by identifying them. Most abusers are
divorced from their emotions. They seek to explain their inner turmoil by
resorting to outside agents ("Look what you made me do" or "They provoked
me"). They are unaware of their anger, envy, or aggression. Mirror your
abuser gently and unobtrusively ("How do you feel about it?", "When I am
angry I act the same", "Would you be happier if I didn't do it?").

7. Avoid the appearance - or the practice - of manipulating your abuser
(except if you want to get rid of him). Abusers are very sensitive to
control issues and they feel threatened, exploited, and ill-treated when
manipulated. They invariably react with violence.

8. Treat your abuser as you would like him to behave towards you. Personal
example is a powerful proselytizer. Don't act out of fear or subservience.
Be sincere. Act out of love and conviction. Finally, your conduct is bound
to infiltrate the abuser's defences.

9. React forcefully, unambiguously, and instantly to any use of force. Make
clear where the boundary of civilized exchange lies. Punish him severely and
mercilessly if he crosses it. Make known well in advance the rules of your
relationship - rewards and sanctions included. Discipline him for verbal and
emotional abuse as well - though less strenuously. Create a hierarchy of
transgressions and a penal code to go with it.

10. As the therapy continues and progress is evident, try to fray the rigid
edges of your sex roles. Most abusers are very much into "me Tarzan, you
Jane" gender-casting. Show him his feminine sides and make him proud of
them. Gradually introduce him to your masculine traits, or skills - and make
him proud of you.

This, essentially, is what good therapists do in trying to roll back or
limit the offender's pathology.

From "Treatment Modalities and Therapies":

"Most therapists try to co-opt the narcissistic abuser's inflated ego (False
Self) and defences. They compliment the narcissist, challenging him to prove
his omnipotence by overcoming his disorder. They appeal to his quest for
perfection, brilliance, and eternal love - and his paranoid tendencies - in
an attempt to get rid of counterproductive, self-defeating, and
dysfunctional behaviour patterns.

By stroking the narcissist's grandiosity, they hope to modify or counter
cognitive deficits, thinking errors, and the narcissist's victim-stance.
They contract with the narcissist to alter his conduct. Some even go to the
extent of medicalizing the disorder, attributing it to a hereditary or
biochemical origin and thus 'absolving' the narcissist from guilt and
responsibility and freeing his mental resources to concentrate on the
therapy."

But is therapy worth the effort? What is the success rate of various
treatment modalities in modifying the abuser's conduct, let alone in
"healing" or "curing" him?

Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self
Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East.
He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review,
PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI)
Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central
East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of
Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com