Making Marriage Work, Part 3
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offered a simplified version
of the Six Step healing process of Inner Bonding:

1. Willingness
2. Choose the intent to learn
3. Dialogue with the feelings
4. Dialogue with your Higher Power
5. Take loving action
6. Evaluate the action.

Part 2 described what it means to be in Step One – what it
means to be willing to feel your feelings and take
responsibility for them, rather than turn to protective,
controlling behavior.

We will now move on to Step Two: Choosing the intent to learn.

In Step Two, you open to learning about the your thoughts,
beliefs and behavior that are causing your pain. You let go of
believing that it is your partner who is causing your pain and
you are willing to take full, 100% responsibility for your
feelings of fear, anxiety, anger, hurt, rejection, abandonment,
numbness, guilt, shame, aloneness or depression. In Step Two,
you open to your Higher Self so that you can compassionately
embrace your painful feelings and learn about what you may be
doing to cause them.

For example, Joan feels angry, alone, rejected and abandoned
because Justin spends a lot of time at work. Joan has been
nagging Justin, judging him for his long hours and blaming him
for her feelings. The result of this is that Justin has gotten
even busier. He is obviously going into resistance, not wanting
to be controlled by Joan.

Joan is using her anger and blame to avoid feeling her pain.
She is addicted to having her eyes on Justin and making him
responsible for her feelings. When he spends time with her, she
feels happy and worthy, and when he doesn't she feels anxious
and insecure.

If Joan were to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding, she
would start with Step One - welcoming and compassionately
embracing her anger, aloneness, fear and resentment. She would
be with these feelings just as a loving parent would be with a
hurting child – with deep kindness and compassion toward
herself.

Then, instead of going into her usual protective, controlling
behavior of blaming Justin for her feelings with her anger,
nagging and complaining, she would move to Step Two, opening
her heart to learning about what she might be telling herself
and how she might be treating herself that is actually causing
her own pain. She would open to her older, wiser inner self,
her Higher Self, to help her stay open to learning. She would
choose to be curious about her own beliefs and behavior, rather
than judgmental toward Justin or herself.

When Joan moves into Step Two, she is moving out of being a
victim and into personal responsibility. This intent shift will
immediately begin to change the interactions between Joan and
Justin. When Joan shifts her intention from trying to control
Justin with her anger, blame and complaints to learning about
herself, her energy will completely shift. Justin will actually
feel this energy shift, even if he is not in the same room as
Joan. Energy is not local. We all unconsciously pick up when
others are angry with us and when they are accepting and
loving.

This intention shift is vital for healing a troubled
relationship. As long as your eyes are on your partner and you
are trying to get your partner to change to make you feel
better, you will continue to have a dysfunctional relationship.
At those times when you are willing to feeling your feelings and
open to learning about how you are causing them, you will notice
that your relationship quickly improves.

The shift out of trying to control your partner and into
learning about loving yourself is one of the most major shifts
you can make in your relationship.

In Parts 4 and 5, I will continue through the Six Steps of
Inner Bonding, showing you how Joan uses these powerful Steps
to heal her relationship with Justin.


About The Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You" and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE
Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her
at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions.