The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim


By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

It is telling that precious few psychology and psychopathology textbooks
dedicate an entire chapter to abuse and violence. Even the most egregious
manifestations - such as child sexual abuse - merit a fleeting mention,
usually as a sub-chapter in a larger section dedicated to paraphilias or
personality disorders.

Abusive behavior did not make it into the diagnostic criteria of mental
health disorders, nor were its psychodynamic, cultural and social roots
explored in depth. As a result of this deficient education and lacking
awareness, most law enforcement officers, judges, counselors, guardians, and
mediators are worryingly ignorant about the phenomenon.

Only 4% of hospital emergency room admissions of women in the United States
are attributed by staff to domestic violence. The true figure, according to
the FBI, is more like 50%. One in three murdered women was done in by her
spouse, current or former.

The US Department of Justice pegs the number of spouses (mostly women)
threatened with a deadly weapon at almost 2 million annually. Domestic
violence erupts in a mind-boggling half of all American homes at least once
a year. Nor are these isolated, "out of the blue", incidents.

Mistreatment and violence are part of an enduring pattern of maladaptive
behavior within the relationship and are sometimes coupled with substance
abuse. Abusers are possessive, pathologically jealous, dependent, and,
often, narcissistic. Invariably, both the abuser and his victim seek to
conceal the abusive episodes and their aftermath from family, friends,
neighbors, or colleagues.

This dismal state of things is an abuser's and stalker's paradise. This is
especially true with psychological (verbal and emotional) abuse which leaves
no visible marks and renders the victim incapable of coherence.

Still, there is no "typical" offender. Maltreatment crosses racial,
cultural, social, and economic lines. This is because, until very recently,
abuse has constituted normative, socially-acceptable, and, sometimes,
condoned, behavior. For the bulk of human history, women and children were
considered no better than property.

Indeed, well into the 18th century, they still made it into lists of assets
and liabilities of the household. Early legislation in America - fashioned
after European law, both Anglo-Saxon and Continental - permitted wife
battering for the purpose of behavior modification. The circumference of the
stick used, specified the statute, should not exceed that of the husband's
thumb.

Inevitably, many victims blame themselves for the dismal state of affairs.
The abused party may have low self-esteem, a fluctuating sense of
self-worth, primitive defense mechanisms, phobias, mental health problems, a
disability, a history of failure, or a tendency to blame herself, or to feel
inadequate (autoplastic neurosis).

She may have come from an abusive family or environment - which conditioned
her to expect abuse as inevitable and "normal". In extreme and rare cases -
the victim is a masochist, possessed of an urge to seek ill-treatment and
pain. Gradually, the victims convert these unhealthy emotions and their
learned helplessness in the face of persistent "gaslighting" into
psychosomatic symptoms, anxiety and panic attacks, depression, or, in
extremis, suicidal ideation and gestures.

From the Narcissistic Personality Disorders list - excerpt from my book
"Toxic Relationships - Abuse and its Aftermath" (November 2005):

Therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians,
police officers, and judges are human. Some of them are social
reactionaries, others are narcissists, and a few are themselves spouse
abusers. Many things work against the victim facing the justice system and
the psychological profession.

Start with denial. Abuse is such a horrid phenomenon that society and its
delegates often choose to ignore it or to convert it into a more benign
manifestation, typically by pathologizing the situation or the victim -
rather than the perpetrator.

A man's home is still his castle and the authorities are loath to intrude.

Most abusers are men and most victims are women. Even the most advanced
communities in the world are largely patriarchal. Misogynistic gender
stereotypes, superstitions, and prejudices are strong.

Therapists are not immune to these ubiquitous and age-old influences and
biases.

They are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and
manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The
abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his
favor. The therapist rarely has a chance to witness an abusive exchange
first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the abused are often on the
verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient,
abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave
abuser and his harried casualties - it is easy to reach the conclusion that
the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other
equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on
her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health
problem.

The profession's propensity to pathologize extends to the wrongdoers as
well. Alas, few therapists are equipped to do proper clinical work,
including diagnosis.

Abusers are thought by practitioners of psychology to be emotionally
disturbed, the twisted outcomes of a history of familial violence and
childhood traumas. They are typically diagnosed as suffering from a
personality disorder, an inordinately low self-esteem, or codependence
coupled with an all-devouring fear of abandonment. Consummate abusers use
the right vocabulary and feign the appropriate "emotions" and affect and,
thus, sway the evaluator's judgment.

But while the victim's "pathology" works against her - especially in custody
battles - the culprit's "illness" works for him, as a mitigating
circumstance, especially in criminal proceedings.

In his seminal essay, "Understanding the Batterer in Visitation and Custody
Disputes", Lundy Bancroft sums up the asymmetry in favor of the offender:

"Batterers ... adopt the role of a hurt, sensitive man who doesn't
understand how things got so bad and just wants to work it all out 'for the
good of the children.' He may cry ... and use language that demonstrates
considerable insight into his own feelings. He is likely to be skilled at
explaining how other people have turned the victim against him, and how she
is denying him access to the children as a form of revenge ... He commonly
accuses her of having mental health problems, and may state that her family
and friends agree with him ... that she is hysterical and that she is
promiscuous. The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of
practice, and so can sound believable when making baseless statements. The
abuser benefits ... when professionals believe that they can "just tell" who
is lying and who is telling the truth, and so fail to adequately
investigate.

Because of the effects of trauma, the victim of battering will often seem
hostile, disjointed, and agitated, while the abuser appears friendly,
articulate, and calm. Evaluators are thus tempted to conclude that the
victim is the source of the problems in the relationship."

There is little the victim can do to "educate" the therapist or "prove" to
him who is the guilty party. Mental health professionals are as ego-centered
as the next person. They are emotionally invested in opinions they form or
in their interpretation of the abusive relationship. They perceive every
disagreement as a challenge to their authority and are likely to pathologize
such behavior, labeling it "resistance" (or worse).

In the process of mediation, marital therapy, or evaluation, counselors
frequently propose various techniques to ameliorate the abuse or bring it
under control. Woe betides the party that dares object or turn these
"recommendations" down. Thus, an abuse victim who declines to have any
further contact with her batterer - is bound to be chastised by her
therapist for obstinately refusing to constructively communicate with her
violent spouse.

Better to play ball and adopt the sleek mannerisms of your abuser. Sadly,
sometimes the only way to convince your therapist that it is not all in your
head and that you are a victim - is by being insincere and by staging a
well-calibrated performance, replete with the correct vocabulary. Therapists
have Pavlovian reactions to certain phrases and theories and to certain
"presenting signs and symptoms" (behaviors during the first few sessions).
Learn these - and use them to your advantage. It is your only chance.

This is the subject of the next article.

Appendix - Why Good People Ignore Abuse

Why do good people - church-goers, pillars of the community, the salt of the
earth - ignore abuse and neglect, even when it is on their doorstep and in
their proverbial backyard (for instance, in hospitals, orphanages, shelters,
prisons, and the like)?

I. Lack of Clear Definition

Perhaps because the word "abuse" is so ill-defined and so open to
culture-bound interpretation.

We should distinguish functional abuse from the sadistic variety. The former
is calculated to ensure outcomes or to punish transgressors. It is measured,
impersonal, efficient, and disinterested.

The latter - the sadistic variety - fulfils the emotional needs of the
perpetrator.

This distinction is often blurred. People feel uncertain and, therefore,
reluctant to intervene. "The authorities know best" - they lie to
themselves.

II. Avoiding the Unpleasant

People, good people, tend to avert their eyes from certain institutions
which deal with anomalies and pain, death and illness - the unsavory aspects
of life which no one likes to be reminded of.

Like poor relatives, these institutions and events inside them are ignored
and shunned.

III. The Common Guilt

Moreover, even good people abuse others habitually. Abusive conduct is so
widespread that no one is exempt. Ours is a narcissistic - and, therefore,
abusive - civilization.

People who find themselves caught up in anomic states - for instance,
soldiers in war, nurses in hospitals, managers in corporations, parents or
spouses in disintegrating families, or incarcerated inmates - tend to feel
helpless and alienated. They experience a partial or total loss of control.
They are rendered vulnerable, powerless, and defenseless by events and
circumstances beyond their influence.

Abuse amounts to exerting an absolute and all-pervasive domination of the
victim's existence. It is a coping strategy employed by the abuser who
wishes to reassert control over his life and, thus, to re-establish his
mastery and superiority. By subjugating the victim - he regains his
self-confidence and regulate his sense of self-worth.

IV. Abuse as Catharsis

Even perfectly "normal" and good people (witness the events in the Abu
Ghraib prison in Iraq) channel their negative emotions - pent up aggression,
humiliation, rage, envy, diffuse hatred - and displace them.

The victims of abuse become symbols of everything that's wrong in the
abuser's life and the situation he finds himself caught in. The act of abuse
amounts to misplaced and violent venting.


V. The Wish to Conform and Belong - The Ethics of Peer Pressure

Many "good people" perpetrate heinous acts - or refrain from criticizing or
opposing evil - out of a wish to conform. Abusing others is their way of
demonstrating obsequious obeisance to authority, group affiliation,
colleagueship, and adherence to the same ethical code of conduct and common
values. They bask in the praise that is heaped on them by their superiors,
fellow workers, associates, team mates, or collaborators.

Their need to belong is so strong that it overpowers ethical, moral, or
legal considerations. They remain silent in the face of neglect, abuse, and
atrocities because they feel insecure and they derive their identity almost
entirely from the group.

Abuse rarely occurs where it does not have the sanction and blessing of the
authorities, whether local or national. A permissive environment is sine qua
non. The more abnormal the circumstances, the less normative the milieu, the
further the scene of the crime is from public scrutiny - the more is
egregious abuse likely to occur. This acquiescence is especially true in
totalitarian societies where the use of physical force to discipline or
eliminate dissent is an acceptable practice. But, unfortunately, it is also
rampant in democratic societies.

==============================================================
AUTHOR BIO (must be included with the article)



Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self
Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East.
He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review,
PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI)
Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central
East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of
Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com