The Down Side of Perfectionism
Author: Robert Elias Najemy

Katherine is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable
in all cases. At work and at home, she can be depended on
to get things done. She often stays overtime, usually alone
at the office in order to get her work done.

When she gets home, she immediately immerses herself in
cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, etc. Although the others
are home even before she is, they do not even think of
helping out. Katherine will do all this.

She is a perfectionist, and although sometimes complains
that no one helps, she in fact cannot relax when they do
something. First of all, they may not do it right.
Secondly, she depends on the role of the super-responsible
and super-capable person to establish her self-worth. She
has been programmed that in this way she will ensure
respect and love from the others. (The truth, however, is
that only her boss is happy about it because his work gets
done correctly and quickly. Most of her coworkers and
family members are annoyed by the tension she creates in
her super-woman role.)

Even when she does manage to allocate responsibilities to
others, her anxiety for it to get done and be perfect
forces her to do it before the others gets a chance. She is
attached to both speed and perfection. She cannot relax
when tasks are not completed or when something is not in
its place.

Except for putting up with her regular complaining and an
occasional outburst of anger, her family members and
coworkers have actually got a good thing going. They have
very little work to do and depend on Katherine to get it
done. Her occasional anger is a small price to pay for not
having to do much work.

They sometimes feel sorry for her and want to help her, but
they do not know how. They cannot share her standards for
order, cleanliness and speed of execution. These are not as
important to them as they are to Katherine, and they have
never had the opportunity to feel those needs because she
has always taken care of everything before they could feel
any lack.

Katherine's husband Peter is gradually losing his
self-respect and depending more and more on Katherine for
things to be done. She even has to take the car to get
fixed because he leaves it for months. Her super-woman role
is gradually sapping him of all his self-worth and he is
becoming ever more lazy and irresponsible. He agrees to do
things, but literally takes months to do them.

He is spending more and more time with his friends, playing
cards and killing time. He avoids contact with Katherine,
who is for him is a continuous reminder of his inadequacy.
She makes more money than he does, which is a blow to his
manhood.

Childhood Programmings

All this could have been predicted by anyone who was aware
of the messages they received as children. Peter, the son
of two very active and successful parents, was put off by
their hyperactivity and simultaneously very doubtful that
he could ever succeed in their eyes and by their measure.
He was very fearful of failing. This fear of failure
created in him blockages to learning or doing, and he spent
most of his time playing games, something he felt he could
succeed at.

He heard from his parents on daily basis that he was lazy,
incapable and would do nothing with his life. He is now
making their words come true.

Katherine understood at a young age that her father wanted
a son and not a daughter, and although she was much more
intelligent and industrious than her younger brother, he
got all the attention. Katherine then decided to prove her
worth to her father in masculine terms. She decided that
she must succeed professionally and economically so as to
be a "man" in her father's eyes and have his attention and
love. Thus she became super-woman.

Now Peter and the children have become even more lazy and
rebellious. They subconsciously feel the need to do even
less. They frequently subconsciously ignore agreements that
they have made with her. These are subconscious reactions
to the pressure and rejection they are feeling from
Katherine.

Now everyone is feeling victimized. Katherine is the victim
of their laziness and irresponsibility, and they are
victims of her bitterness, rejection and anger.

A change

As a result, Katherine is now ill. She is exhausted, in
poor health, and in need of support from her family both in
dealing with her illness and in getting things done around
the home. She asks for help, but no one can hear her. There
is no space in their minds for an "ill super-woman".

They love her and care for her, but they can not hear her
needs. She had never expressed weakness, fear or inability
before, and this is just so foreign that they feel so
uncomfortable, and cannot respond.

Katherine feels doubly hurt and abused. For so many years,
she had taken care of all their needs, and now that she
needs them, no one is responding.

What could they have all done to avoid this situation?
What lessons do they need to learn?

Katherine:
Does she need to learn that she is worthy of love and
respect even if she is not a super woman?
Or that she does not help others when she does their work
for them or does not let them carry their own
responsibilities?
Perhaps she needs to learn to have faith in the others'
abilities or to allow others to grow through their
mistakes.
Does she need to learn to express her needs without
complaining or accusing, and believe that it is natural
that the others will want to support her in fulfilling her
needs?
Perhaps she needs to learn how to rest when she is tired,
even when everything in not perfect around her.

Peter:
Is his lesson to believe in himself and his intelligence
and abilities?
Or could it be that his self-worth is not measured by his
achievements but rather by his heart and his character?
Does he need to learn to motivate himself and offer more?
Does he need to work on his childhood years and free
himself from false programming?

The others:
Perhaps they need to learn to be more responsible and
energetic in their responsibilities and work.
Perhaps they ought to look at Katherine's needs, ignore her
complaints and accusations, and help her out even when she
does not have faith in how they will do it.
They might also need to learn to hear and respond to her
needs even when she cannot express them.

What do you think?

Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30
years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and
now does so over the Internet.
Over 600 free articles, lectures, relaxation and positive
projection as mp3 audio. Become a life coach.
At http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/