Differing Sexual Needs
Author: Robert Elias Najemy

Fanny lost her desire for sexual contact early in her
marriage. This has become a serious problem for her husband
Dennis. Although he tries not to take it personally, he
cannot help feeling rejected and demeaned as a man. Also,
his biological needs cause him to suffer, especially at
night.

Fanny loves Dennis and feels badly about her inability to
make love to him. She is blocked by a subconscious aversion
toward the male reproductive organ and the sexual act
itself. Although she is not aware of the reason, both the
male organ and the act of sex seem dirty to her. Her search
into why she feels this way has been fruitless until now.

Dennis also loves Fanny very much. This problem, however,
causes him to feel great injustice. He needs this contact
physically and emotionally. Fanny understands and respects
his need, but feels very much pressured by him and also
suffers from an unconquerable aversion when he approaches
her sexually.

This fear of his approaching her causes her to avoid all
contact, even simple affection, so he will not be aroused
and the energy between them will not become sexual. She has
begun occupying herself with a many activities outside the
home, using up large quantities of energy and avoiding
Dennis. She also leaves on the weekends for seminars or
retreats. She has found some meaning, but also perhaps some
escape.

This adds to Dennis's feelings of injustice and hurt. He
seldom sees her at home and would like to spend some
quality time with his wife.

What could each of them have to learn?

Fanny:

1. Does she need to work more deeply on discovering the
cause of her fear and repulsion toward the male organ and
sexual union?
2. Does she need to force herself to accept her husband
sexually even though she does not feel it?
3. Or is her lesson to accept this problem and let her
husband work it out from his end?
4. Should she be staying home more with her family even if
this does not fulfill her as much as her other activities
and even if their material needs are cared for?
5. Should she be there at home creating with her presence a
sense of family?
6. Should she feel responsible for Dennis's unhappiness or
not?
7. What does she need in order to find a balance?
8. Does she need to free herself from the belief that sex
is dirty or evil?
9. Should she give him more affection and loving
affirmation so he can feel her love?
10.  Must she distinguish between affection, hugging and
caressing and sex?
11.  Does she need to express her needs and beliefs to him
more clearly, lovingly and assertively without feeling
responsible for his reality?
12. Does she need to overcome any negativity she is feeling
toward him?

Dennis:

1. Should he pressure his wife to accept physical contact
with him?
2. Should he insist that she stay at home more?
3. Is his lesson to accept this absence of sexual contact?

4. Is he in any way doing something that repulses his wife?

5. Does he need to understand her problem and not take this
situation personally?
6. How can he find his happiness without doing injustice to
his wife?
7. Should he become less focused on the sexual level for
pleasure, relaxation or affirmation of himself as a man?
8. Can he feel her love and caring for him without its
verification through the sexual act?
9. Does he need to discover if she may not be having some
negative feelings toward him because of something he has or
has not done?
10.  Can he love and feel close to her even if she cannot
give him what he needs?
11.  Should he express his needs with an I- message,
helping her to understand how he feels?
12.  Perhaps he should let her overcome this in her own way
and timing?
13.  Has the time come to become more spiritually oriented
and direct his energies in other directions?
14.  Or to love and accept himself more and realize that
his self-worth is not dependent upon whether she wants him
sexually or not?

If you are in a position similar to Fanny or Dennis, look
through these lists of possible lessons and observe which
seem to ring a bell in your inner self. Also be aware that
you may have a number of the above-listed lessons as well
as others which are not listed.

Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30
years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and
now does so over the Internet.
Over 600 free articles, lectures, relaxation and positive
projection as mp3 audio. Become a life coach.
At http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/