Fear Of Commitment
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

In my counseling work, I often work with clients who have a
deep fear of commitment. These individuals generally say that
they want to be in a loving relationship, yet they keep picking
"the wrong people."

Susan, 38, sought my help because she was in two relationships
at the same time. This didn't feel right to her, so she knew
that she had to make a choice. Yet she could not seem to decide
which relationship was right for her.

Susan had been in a relationship with Shawn for two years.
Shawn, 43, was a delightful man, fun loving and sweet. However,
Shawn would emotionally disappear for long periods of time, and
he was clear that he did not want children – which was very
important to Susan. In addition, Shawn was always living on the
edge financially.

Then Susan met Calvin, who was totally different than Shawn.
Calvin stayed emotionally present, had a job he loved and made
very good money, and wanted to have children. Susan was very
attracted to Calvin and in her heart she knew that he was a
much better choice for her than Shawn. Yet she could not seem
to let go of Shawn.

As we explored the situation, it became apparent that Susan
couldn't let go of Shawn because she was terrified of
commitment. With Shawn there was no chance of being in a
committed relationship – he was not really available. Yet Susan
felt "safe" with Shawn. Safe from what?

Susan discovered that she was terrified of really being in
love, which was a possibility with Calvin but not with Shawn.
In her mind, being in love meant losing her freedom. When she
thought of being with Calvin, she felt like she couldn't
breathe. Her concept of a loving relationship was that, "You
are together all the time. I couldn't just go and be with my
friends or take a vacation with a friend. Commitment means
giving up freedom."

No wonder she felt safe with Shawn! As long as Susan felt she
had to give herself up to be in a loving relationship, she
would not be able to make a commitment.

Douglas, 34, another client of mine, has the exact same
problem. When he is in a relationship, he is a very "nice guy."
He tends to try to please his partner because, in his mind,
taking care of himself and doing the things he wants to do is
selfish. Yet, in giving himself up to his partner, he ends up
resenting her and ending the relationship. Like Susan, he is
operating under the false belief that he has to give up his
personal freedom to be in a loving relationship.

Both Susan and Douglas have a major false belief that is
causing their fear of commitment: that loving another person
means doing what that person wants instead of staying true to
themselves and taking loving care of themselves. They both have
a false definition of selfish. They think they are being selfish
if they take care of themselves instead of care-take their
partners. I offered them this definition of selfish:

Selfish is when you expect someone else to give themselves up
for you – to not do what they want to do and instead do what
you want them to do. Selfish is when you do not support others
in taking loving care of themselves and instead expect them to
take care of you.

Giving yourself up is a form of control. You want to control
how the other person feels about you by doing what they want
you to do. When you do what another person wants you to do from
love and caring, with no agenda to get their approval, you feel
wonderful. But when you give yourself up from fear of your
partner's anger or withdrawal, you will feel trapped and
resentful. To be in a committed relationship, your first
commitment needs to be to yourself – to your truth, integrity
and freedom.

Learning to take loving care of yourself is the key to healing
a fear of commitment. When you are taking loving care of
yourself, you will be filled with love and you will have much
love to share with your partner!


About The Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You" and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE
Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her
at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions.