My Son's Deployment
Author: Kim Olver

One of the most difficult struggles in life for a parent is the
struggle that occurs when the parent is attempting to keep their
child safe and the child is attempting to explore the world and
find their place in it, often times not in the safest manner.

A discussion of Inside Out cannot occur without me sharing some
of my own personal struggles with the concept. Today is one of
those days. I just learned that my nineteen-year-old son
received his deployment orders. He just graduated from National
Guard basic training last week and in less than two months, his
Guard unit is being deployed for six months of training and
then on to Iraq for a year.

Anyway, my son made a decision fairly early on that he wanted
to join the military. This was a surprise to me because I
believed that, generally, young men and women enter the
military who have some type of role model in the military.
Since there was no one in my or my husband's family who was in
the military, I believed my children would not have the
inclination for military service. My son began talking about
being a sniper for the Marines at around the age of sixteen.
Imagine my terror, thinking of him in dangerous situations when
I had spent all his life attempting to keep him safe---mostly
safe from himself as he has quite a risk-taking personality.

Being a good Inside Out mother, I knew better than to try to
talk him out of what he truly wanted, but secretly I'd hoped
that by the time he was old enough to join the military, he
would "come to his senses." Now I'd like to say here that I
totally support our troops. I know there are brave men and
women putting their lives on the line for our safety and the
ideal of freedom around the world, but as most mothers can
relate, that's OK for other children, just not mine! I'm well
aware of the selfishness of that position, but it is what it
is.

Over time, my son and I had some discussions about his future
plans. He was raised in rural Pennsylvania and had been hunting
with his father from the time he was three. He has a natural
ability for marksmanship. He is incredibly courageous and loves
a good physical challenge. With all of these attributes, I know
he sounds like a poster boy for military service. Still, as his
mother, I'd hoped he would change his mind.

I believe he made a concession to me when, just prior to his
eighteenth birthday, he decided to join the National Guard, as
opposed to the Marines. Part of his reasoning was that he
wanted money for college but another part, in my opinion, was
that he was just looking to prove himself as a man. I breathed
a small sigh of relief thinking that he would be safer in the
Guard. He would do his weekend a month and two weeks in the
summer and have to respond to any situations in the US
requiring armed service intervention. Was I ever wrong---along
came the war in Iraq. I am not making any statements here about
the efficacy of this war. I do not know if we are there because
of weapons of mass destruction, terrorism or oil fields. I only
know that our county's young service men and women are being
forever changed by their experiences there and I am afraid for
my child.

Today, my son told me with trepidation that he received his
orders and will be leaving soon for eighteen months. He seems a
little apprehensive but also excited. This is what he's been
trained to do. I am very proud of the young man that he has
become but am terrified of the possible ramifications. How can
he come back from there being the same person I know now, or
worse, what if he is wounded or killed over there?

All of this is going through my mind as I am writing but I know
that I have to support him. I don't want him leaving, feeling
that I am not behind him 110%. What I truly want is for the war
to be over, for this to be some mistake, for his unit to get
stateside deployment, anything but for my child to be sent to
Iraq as an infantryman on the front lines of the fighting.
However, using Inside Out thinking, I have to first ask, what
is within my power and control? I am not going to change the
fact that my son is going to Iraq. Even if it were within my
power to do so, he would not want to ignore his duty.

So, the only thing left on which to focus is how I can be the
person I want to be in this situation that I can't control or
change. What are my priorities? My first priority is to let my
son know how very proud of him I am and that I support his
decisions. After all, it is his life to do with as he sees fit.
I did my part by keeping him safe these 19 years. Now, it is his
turn to decide how he will live and I want to support the man he
has become. Secondly, I don't want him to be worrying about how
I am managing while he is away. And finally, I want him to know
that I love him and will pray for his safety every day. These
are all things within my control. How will I do it?

I find that whenever I am facing a particularly difficult
situation, I attempt to look for the positives in it. In this
situation there are many. My son is growing up and fighting for
something in which he believes. He is developing principles that
will guide his behaviors the rest of his life. His being in Iraq
may help to save the lives of others. It will truly test his
relationship with his girlfriend in determining whether or not
they are truly committed to each other. And when I let myself
think of the worst case scenario, which is him being killed
there, I have come to remind myself that he will have died
doing something he really wanted to do as opposed to living a
long, unfulfilled life full of regret. If it comes down to it,
will I be able to maintain that posture and position? I don't
know, but I do know that staying focused on Inside Out thinking
will assist me in managing both my worry and my grief, if
necessary.

If you find yourself in a similar situation and are looking for
ways to stay sane or just the support of others going through
the same thing, visit www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and check
our calendar for upcoming teleclasses, chats and workshops.


About The Author: Kim Olver has a degree in counseling, is a
certified and licensed counselor. She is a certified reality
therapy instructor. Kim is an expert in relationship, parenting
and personal empowerment, working with individuals who want to
gain more effective control of their lives and relationships.
For more go to
http://www.therelationshipcenter.biz/Parenting.php