FEARS OF A NEW RELATIONSHIP
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Katie had not been in a relationship in ten years, and she
was scared to death. In her last relationship, she had lost
herself completely and then felt devastated when her
boyfriend of three years left her for another woman.

After working on herself emotionally and spiritually for a
number of years, Katie, now 48, felt she was ready for a new
relationship. So she joined an online dating service and
promptly met Sean, who seemed too good to be true. Warm,
compassionate, intelligent, and also on a personal and
spiritual growth path, Sean, 55, was an available man! Now
Katie's fears that she would not meet someone turned to
fears of being in a relationship again.

Katie had learned how to take loving care of herself when
she was alone or with friends, but doing this with a man was
another matter. She had never actually taken care of herself
in any of her relationships, and she was very worried that
she would let herself down again.

Katie wanted some guidelines regarding loving actions she
could take for herself as she started to explore the
relationship with Sean, and she wrote to me asking me for
these loving actions. So here they are – some loving actions
to take when first exploring a new relationship:

1. Stay focused inside your own body, noticing your own
feelings rather than just being tuned into the other
person's feelings. Stay conscious of NOT taking
responsibility for the others person's feelings of worth or
security, and NOT making the other person responsible for
your feelings of worth or security.

2. Make a solid decision before getting together with the
other person that you are willing to lose the other person
rather than lose yourself. Make a conscious decision to NOT
make the other person's wants, needs and feelings more
important than your own.

3. Stay clear on your own truth, NOT letting the other
person talk you in or out of what feels good and right for
you.

4. Be willing to take full, 100% responsibility for behaving
in a way that makes you feel worthy, safe and powerful. Be
willing to be who you really are rather than trying to
impress. Make a conscious decision that being in integrity
with who you really are, is more important than getting the
other person's approval.

5. Do NOT disregard the big or small things that you find
difficult, intolerable or unacceptable. If something is
unacceptable or intolerable to you early in the
relationship, the chances are that it is not going to get
better. Do NOT convince yourself that, because there are so
many good things about this person, you can overlook the
problems or get the other person to change. This NEVER
works!

Fears of rejection can emerge very early in a relationship.
Some people are terrified of doing something wrong and being
rejected, because they make they other person responsible
for their feelings of worth and lovability. The fear of
rejection can lead a person to give him/herself up to the
other person, thereby touching off fears of engulfment – of
loving oneself and being controlled or consumed by the other
person. Thus, fears of loss – loss of self or loss of other
– often surface quickly and people find themselves either
giving in or pulling away in their efforts to protect
themselves from their fears.

If you allow fear to guide you, you will likely either pull
away or end up in an unsatisfying relationship. The most
important thing to remember as you move into exploring a new
relationship is: LET LOVE BE YOUR GUIDE, NOT FEAR. This
means that you need to be open to learning about what is
most loving to YOU – what is really in your highest good –
rather than trying to have control over not being rejected
or controlled by the other person. So, number six is:

6. Keep asking your inner wisdom, "What is the loving action
toward myself right now? What is in my highest good right
now?"

If you keep asking this vital question, you will find your
way through exploring a new relationship without losing
yourself and without getting hurt by the other person.


About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.