Lies People Tell
By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

All people lie some of the time. They use words to convey their lies
while their body language usually gives them away. This is curious.
Why did evolution prefer this self defeating strategy? The answer
lies in the causes of the phenomenon.

We lie for three main reasons and these give rise to three
categories of lies:

1.. The Empathic Lie - is a lie told with the intention of sparing
someone's feelings. It is a face saving lie - but someone else's
face. It is designed to prevent a loss of social status, the
onslaught of social sanctions, the process of judgement involved in
both. It is a derivative o our ability to put ourselves in someone
else's shoes - that is, to empathize. It is intended to spare OUR
feelings, which are bound to turn more and more unpleasant the more
we sympathize with the social-mental predicament of the person lied
to. The reverse, brutal honesty, at all costs and in all
circumstances - is a form of sadistic impulse. The lie achieves its
goal only if the recipient cooperates, does not actively seek the
truth out and acquiescently participates in the mini-drama unfolding
in his honour.
2.. The Egocentric Lie - is a lie intended to further the well
being of the liar. This can be achieved in one of two ways. The lie
can help the liar to achieve his goals (a Goal Seeking Lie) or to
avoid embarrassment, humiliation, social sanctions, judgement,
criticism and, in general, unpleasant experiences related to social
standing (a Face Saving Lie). The Goal Seeking Lie is useful only
when considering the liar as an individual, independent unit. The
Face Saving type is instrumental only in social situations. We can
use the terms: Individualistic Lie and Social Lie respectively.
3.. The Narcissistic Lie - is separated from his brethren by its
breadth and recursiveness. It is all-pervasive, ubiquitous, ever
recurring, all encompassing, entangled and intertwined with all the
elements of the liar's life and personality. Moreover, it is a lie
of whose nature the liar is not aware and he is convinced of its
truth. But the people surrounding the Narcissist liar notice the
lie. The Narcissist-liar is rather like a hunchback without a
mirror. He does not believe in the reality of his own hump. It seems
that where the liar does not believe his own lies - he succeeds in
convincing his victims rather effectively. When he does believe in
his own inventions - he fails miserably at trapping his fellow men.
Confabulations are an important part of life. They serve to heal
emotional wounds or to prevent ones from being inflicted in the
first place. They prop-up the confabulator's self-esteem, regulate
his (or her) sense of self-worth, and buttress his (or her) self-
image. They serve as organizing principles in social interactions.

Father's wartime heroism, mother's youthful good looks, one's oft-
recounted exploits, erstwhile alleged brilliance, and past purported
sexual irresistibility - are typical examples of white, fuzzy, heart-
warming lies wrapped around a shriveled kernel of truth.

But the distinction between reality and fantasy is rarely completely
lost. Deep inside, the healthy confabulator knows where facts end
and wishful thinking takes over. Father acknowledges he was no war
hero, though he did his share of fighting. Mother understands she
was no ravishing beauty, though she may have been attractive. The
confabulator realizes that his recounted exploits are overblown, his
brilliance exaggerated, and his sexual irresistibility a myth.

Such distinctions never rise to the surface because everyone - the
confabulator and his audience alike - have a common interest to
maintain the confabulation. To challenge the integrity of the
confabulator or the veracity of his confabulations is to threaten
the very fabric of family and society. Human intercourse is built
around such entertaining deviations from the truth.

This is where the narcissist differs from others (from "normal"
people).

His very self is a piece of fiction concocted to fend off hurt and
to nurture the narcissist's grandiosity. He fails in his "reality
test" - the ability to distinguish the actual from the imagined. The
narcissist fervently believes in his own infallibility, brilliance,
omnipotence, heroism, and perfection. He doesn't dare confront the
truth and admit it even to himself.

Moreover, he imposes his personal mythology on his nearest and
dearest. Spouse, children, colleagues, friends, neighbors -
sometimes even perfect strangers - must abide by the narcissist's
narrative or face his wrath. The narcissist countenances no
disagreement, alternative points of view, or criticism. To him,
confabulation IS reality.

The coherence of the narcissist's dysfunctional and precariously-
balanced personality depends on the plausibility of his stories and
on their acceptance by his Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The
narcissist invests an inordinate time in substantiating his tales,
collecting "evidence", defending his version of events, and in re-
interpreting reality to fit his scenario. As a result, most
narcissists are self-delusional, obstinate, opinionated, and
argumentative.

The narcissist's lies are not goal-orientated. This is what makes
his constant dishonesty both disconcerting and incomprehensible. The
narcissist lies at the drop of a hat, needlessly, and almost
ceaselessly. He lies in order to avoid the Grandiosity Gap - when
the abyss between fact and (narcissistic) fiction becomes too gaping
to ignore.

The narcissist lies in order to preserve appearances, uphold
fantasies, support the tall (and impossible) tales of his False Self
and extract Narcissistic Supply from unsuspecting sources, who are
not yet on to him. To the narcissist, confabulation is not merely a
way of life - but life itself.

We are all conditioned to let other indulge in pet delusions and get
away with white, not too egregious, lies. The narcissist makes use
of our socialization. We dare not confront or expose him, despite
the outlandishness of his claims, the improbability of his stories,
the implausibility of his alleged accomplishments and conquests. We
simply turn the other cheek, or meekly avert our eyes, often
embarrassed.

Moreover, the narcissist makes clear, from the very beginning, that
it is his way or the highway. His aggression - even violent streak -
are close to the surface. He may be charming in a first encounter -
but even then there are telltale signs of pent-up abuse. His
interlocutors sense this impending threat and avoid conflict by
acquiescing with the narcissist's fairy tales. Thus he imposes his
private universe and virtual reality on his milieu - sometimes with
disastrous consequences.

Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant
Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West
Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician,
Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a
United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and
the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in
The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government
of Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com