"Thanksgiving Dinner Etiquette,"
by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach™

The days of dining by plucking fruit from trees and roasting
small animals over the fire, eating with fingers, and
perhaps fighting with others over the scraps are long gone.
Or are they?

More and more we swing our car through the drive-in, grab
our food from the window, and proceed to eat with our
fingers, so perhaps you need a brush-up on the basics of
formal – shall we say "civilized" dining – before the great
Thanksgiving feast.

Rules of civilized dining evolved because, according to
Margaret Visser ("Rituals of Dinner"), "animals are
slaughtered and consumed, the guest-host relationship is … a
complicated interweaving of the imposition of obligation and
the suspension of hostility, and the ordinary table knife is
related to actual weapons of war."

Utensils were to be handled delicately, so as not to alarm.
For instance, the knife was not to be held in the fist, like
a weapon, nor pointed threateningly at anyone, and
conversation was to be gentle, not provocative.

Now for a review of the basics on how to be the consummate
Thanksgiving guest.

1. Respect time.

Arrive on time with a smile on your face and plan to have a
good time.  Leave on time.  If it hasn't been stated, you
will have to use your EQ—your intuition.  Watch the host
(generis) for subtle cues – the more formal the occasion,
the more subtle the cues, i.e., changing position in his
chair, sighing, and talking about "what a big day we have
tomorrow."   As you say you must leave, expect protesting,
and expect to leave anyway.  It's a "formality."

2. Wear your uniform.  Do your job.

Yes, as the guest you have responsibilities.  Dress
appropriately and festively, and prepare to make it a happy
occasion.  Note "make."  It doesn't just happen; those in
attendance must make it happen.  Eat, drink and behave in
moderation.

3. When summoned, obey the summons.

As a long-time PR person, you can't imagine how we
appreciate the "leader type" who, when we say, "It's time to
take you seats," heads for the dining room and beckons her
friends to come along; and when the hostess says, "Shall we
retire to the living room for coffee," does the same.

4. Observe protocol.

Age before rank.  "Special" people would be the
great-grandmother, then if you've invited your boss, or
there's a guest of honor.  The most special person "sitteth
on the right hand" of the host and hostess, who are seated
at opposite ends of the table.  If there are not place
cards, it's appropriate to ask, "Where would you like us to
sit?"

5. Once seated, stay awake!

Look to your hostess to lead.  At this meal even the most
unsuspecting people will say a grace, for instance. The
hostess will indicate when to start passing things, and when
she starts to eat, you may eat.  Facilitate the meal for
others – start passing the shared items, the salt and pepper
(both), the butter, the cranberry sauce, and the gravy.

6. The passing of things.

If your plates are served, then when someone asks for the
salt, pick up both the salt and pepper and place them down
beside the person next to you.  They are not passed
hand-to-hand, and only the requesting party may use them.
Inefficient?  Manners are not about efficiency.

7. Make conversation.

It's an active thing!  At a smaller seating, there may be
one general conversation; in a larger group, talk with the
people across from you and on either side of you.  If you're
conversation-challenged, work with your coach and come up
with a list of conversation-starters, i.e., Did you see that
great special on PBS last night?     What are your plans for
Christmas this year?  How was the traffic at the airport?
What football team are you rooting for?  Start training your
children young.  Help them come up with a list of things to
talk about.  They'll love it and feel included.

Your hostess will appreciate if you keep the conversation
going, spend some time with the shy people or the
octogenarian, and help with awkward silences.  At formal
dinners, businesses lunches and other dining occasions
traditionally when the food is served, everyone starts
eating and there's  a silence.  Someone needs to "break the
ice."  Plan for this and be prepared with a confident and
cheery, "It sure gets quiet when the food comes," or
"Marcella, where did you find fresh arugula this time of
year?"

8. What about all those utensils and glasses?

The general rule is work from the outside in.  Go here to
review:
http://www.cuisinenet.com/digest/custom/etiquette/manners_intro.shtml

9. Beginnings and endings.

The napkin.  When you're seated, place your napkin in your
lap.  When you're finished, place your utensils on your
plate; don't push it away.  Place your napkin loosely to the
side of your plate.

10. Odds 'n' Ends

Sit upward in your chair; don't lean back.  Don't rest your
elbows on the table.  It's permissible to lean forward
slightly and rest part of your upper arm on the table.  If
you take medication, do it discretely and neither mention it
nor notice it in others.  Something in your mouth you don't
want?  The way in is the way out.  Spit the olive pit into
your palm and place it on your plate.  Deposit the turkey
bone back on the fork and place in on your plate.

What can you eat with your fingers?   Artichokes, plain
asparagus, bacon, bread, cookies, corn on the cob, chips,
French Fries, hors' d'oeuvres, sandwiches, small fruits,
berries, and cubed cheese.  When in doubt, wait and see what
your hostess does.

© Susan Dunn, MA, cEQc, The EQ Coach™,
http://www.susandunn.cc .  Helping you build the Emotional
Intelligence competencies that bring more success and
happiness.  Personalized coaching, distance learning
courses, seminars, and The EQ ebook Library –
http://www.webstrategies.cc .  Let us help you develop
personally and professionally.   Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc
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©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn,cc .
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