Euphoric and Dysphoric Phases in Marriage
By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

Despite all the fashionable theories of marriage, the narratives and
the feminists, the reasons to get married largely remain the same.
True, there have been role reversals and new stereotypes have
cropped up. But biological, physiological and biochemical facts are
less amenable to modern criticisms of culture. Men are still men and
women are still women.

Men and women marry to form:

The Sexual Dyad - Intended to gratify the partners' sexual
attraction and secures a stable, consistent and available source of
sexual gratification.

The Economic Dyad - The couple is a functioning economic unit within
which the economic activities of the members of the dyad and of
additional entrants are carried out. The economic unit generates
more wealth than it consumes and the synergy between its members is
likely to lead to gains in production and in productivity relative
to individual efforts and investments.

The Social Dyad - The members of the couple bond as a result of
implicit or explicit, direct, or indirect social pressures. Such
pressure can manifest itself in numerous forms. In Judaism, a person
cannot hold some religious posts unless he is married. This is a
form of economic pressure.

In most human societies, avowed bachelors are considered to be
socially deviant and abnormal. They are condemned by society,
ridiculed, shunned and isolated, effectively ex-communicated. Partly
to avoid these sanctions and partly to enjoy the emotional glow that
comes with conformity and acceptance, couples get married.

Today, a myriad lifestyles are on offer. The old fashioned, nuclear
family is one of many variants. Children are reared by single
parents. Homosexual couples bind and abound. But a pattern is
discernible all the same: almost 95% of the adult population get
married ultimately. They settle into a two-member arrangement,
whether formalized and sanctioned religiously or legally - or not.

The Companionship Dyad - Formed by adults in search of sources of
long-term and stable support, emotional warmth, empathy, care, good
advice and intimacy. The members of these couples tend to define
themselves as each other's best friends.

Folk wisdom tells us that the first three dyads are unstable.

Sexual attraction wanes and is replaced by sexual attrition in most
cases. This could lead to the adoption of non-conventional sexual
behavior patterns (sexual abstinence, group sex, couple swapping,
etc.) - or to recurrent marital infidelity.

Pecuniary concerns are insufficient grounds for a lasting
relationship, either. In today's world, both partners are
potentially financially independent. This new found autonomy gnaws
at the roots of traditional patriarchal-domineering-disciplinarian
relationships. Marriage is becoming a more balanced, business like,
arrangement with children and the couple's welfare and life standard
as its products.

Thus, marriages motivated solely by economic considerations are as
likely to unravel as any other joint venture. Admittedly, social
pressures help maintain family cohesiveness and stability. But -
being thus enforced from the outside - such marriages resemble
detention rather than a voluntary, joyful collaboration.

Moreover, social norms, peer pressure, and social conformity cannot
be relied upon to fulfill the roles of stabilizer and shock absorber
indefinitely. Norms change and peer pressure can backfire ("If all
my friends are divorced and apparently content, why shouldn't I try
it, too ?").

Only the companionship dyad seems to be durable. Friendships deepen
with time. While sex loses its initial, biochemically-induced,
luster, economic motives are reversed or voided, and social norms
are fickle - companionship, like wine, improves with time.

Even when planted on the most desolate land, under the most
difficult and insidious circumstances, the obdurate seed of
companionship sprouts and blossoms.

"Matchmaking is made in heaven" goes the old Jewish adage but Jewish
matchmakers in centuries past were not averse to lending the divine
a hand. After closely scrutinizing the background of both
candidates - male and female - a marriage was pronounced. In other
cultures, marriages are still being arranged by prospective or
actual fathers without asking for the embryos or the toddlers'
consent.

The surprising fact is that arranged marriages last much longer than
those which are the happy outcomes of romantic love. Moreover: the
longer a couple cohabitates prior to their marriage, the higher the
likelihood of divorce. Counterintuitively, romantic love and
cohabitation ("getting to know each other better") are negative
precursors and predictors of marital longevity.

Companionship grows out of friction and interaction within an
irreversible formal arrangement (no "escape clauses"). In many
marriages where divorce is not an option (legally, or due to
prohibitive economic or social costs), companionship grudgingly
develops and with it contentment, if not happiness.

Companionship is the offspring of pity and empathy. It is based on
and shared events and fears and common suffering. It reflects the
wish to protect and to shield each other from the hardships of life.
It is habit forming. If lustful sex is fire - companionship is old
slippers: comfortable, static, useful, warm, secure.

Experiments and experience show that people in constant touch get
attached to one another very quickly and very thoroughly. This is a
reflex that has to do with survival. As infants, we get attached to
other mothers and our mothers get attached to us. In the absence of
social interactions, we die younger. We need to bond and to make
others depend on us in order to survive.

The mating (and, later, marital) cycle is full of euphorias and
dysphorias. These "mood swings" generate the dynamics of seeking
mates, copulating, coupling (marrying) and reproducing.

The source of these changing dispositions can be found in the
meaning that we attach to marriage which is perceived as the real,
irrevocable, irreversible and serious entry into adult society.
Previous rites of passage (like the Jewish Bar Mitzvah, the
Christian Communion and more exotic rites elsewhere) prepare us only
partially to the shocking realization that we are about to emulate
our parents.

During the first years of our lives, we tend to view our parents as
omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent demigods. Our perception of
them, of ourselves and of the world is magical. All entities -
ourselves and our caregivers included - are entangled, constantly
interacting, and identity interchanging ("shape shifting").

At first, therefore, our parents are idealized. Then, as we get
disillusioned, they are internalized to become the first and most
important among the inner voices that guide our lives. As we grow up
(adolescence) we rebel against our parents (in the final phases of
identity formation) and then learn to accept them and to resort to
them in times of need.

But the primordial gods of our infancy never die, nor do they lie
dormant. They lurk in our superego, engaged in incessant dialogue
with the other structures of our personality. They constantly
criticize and analyze, make suggestions and reproach. The hiss of
these voices is the background radiation of our personal big bang.

Thus, to decide to get married (to imitate our parents), is to
challenge and tempt the gods, to commit sacrilege, to negate the
very existence of our progenitors, to defile the inner sanctum of
our formative years. This is a rebellion so momentous, so all
encompassing, that it touches upon the very foundation of our
personality.

Inevitably, we (unconsciously) shudder in anticipation of the
imminent and, no doubt, horrible punishment that awaits us for this
iconoclastic presumptuousness. This is the first dysphoria, which
accompanies our mental preparations prior to getting wed. Getting
ready to get hitched carries a price tag: the activation of a host
of primitive and hitherto dormant defence mechanisms - denial,
regression, repression, projection.

This self-induced panic is the result of an inner conflict. On the
one hand, we know that it is unhealthy to live as recluses (both
biologically and psychologically). With the passage of time, we are
urgently propelled to find a mate. On the other hand, there is the
above-described feeling of impending doom.

Having overcome the initial anxiety, having triumphed over our inner
tyrants (or guides, depending on the character of the primary
objects, their parents), we go through a short euphoric phase,
celebrating their rediscovered individuation and separation.
Reinvigorated, we feel ready to court and woo prospective mates.

But our conflicts are never really put to rest. They merely lie
dormant.

Married life is a terrifying rite of passage. Many react to it by
limiting themselves to familiar, knee-jerk behavior patterns and
reactions and by ignoring or dimming their true emotions. Gradually,
these marriages are hollowed out and wither.

Some seek solace in resorting to other frames of reference - the
terra cognita of one's neighbourhood, country, language, race,
culture, language, background, profession, social stratum, or
education. Belonging to these groups imbues them with feelings of
security and firmness.

Many combine both solutions. More than 80% of marriages take place
among members of the same social class, profession, race, creed and
breed. This is not a chance statistic. It reflects choices,
conscious and (more often) unconscious.

The next anti-climatic dysphoric phase transpires when our attempts
to secure (the consent of) a mate are met with success. Daydreaming
is easier and more gratifying than the dreariness of realized goals.
Mundane routine is the enemy of love and of optimism. Where dreams
end, harsh reality intrudes with its uncompromising demands.

Securing the consent of one's future spouse forces one to tread an
irreversible and increasingly challenging path. One's imminent
marriage requires not only emotional investment - but also economic
and social ones. Many people fear commitment and feel trapped,
shackled, or even threatened. Marriage suddenly seems like a dead
end. Even those eager to get married entertain occasional and
nagging doubts.

The strength of these negative emotions depends, to a very large
extent, on the parental role models and on the kind of family life
experienced. The more dysfunctional the family of origin - the
earlier (and usually only) available example - the more overpowering
the sense of entrapment and the resulting paranoia and backlash.

But most people overcome this stage fright and proceed to formalize
their relationship by getting married. This decision, this leap of
faith is the corridor which leads to the palatial hall of post-
nuptial euphoria.

This time the euphoria is mostly a social reaction. The newly
conferred status (of "just married") bears a cornucopia of social
rewards and incentives, some of them enshrined in legislation.
Economic benefits, social approval, familial support, the envious
reactions of others, the expectations and joys of marriage (freely
available sex, having children, lack of parental or societal
control, newly experienced freedoms) foster another magical bout of
feeling omnipotent.

It feels good and empowering to control one's newfound "lebensraum",
one's spouse, and one's life. It fosters self-confidence, self
esteem and helps regulate one's sense of self-worth. It is a manic
phase. Everything seems possible, now that one is left to one's own
devices and is supported by one's mate.

With luck and the right partner, this frame of mind can be
prolonged. However, as life's disappointments accumulate, obstacles
mount, the possible sorted out from the improbable and time passes
inexorably, this euphoria abates. The reserves of energy and
determination dwindle. Gradually, one slides into an all-pervasive
dysphoric (even anhedonic or depressed) mood.

The routines of life, its mundane attributes, the contrast between
fantasy and reality, erode the first burst of exuberance. Life looks
more like a life sentence. This anxiety sours the relationship. One
tends to blame one's spouse for one's atrophy. People with
alloplastic defenses (external locus of control) blame others for
their defeats and failures.

Thoughts of breaking free, of going back to the parental nest, of
revoking the marriage become more frequent. It is, at the same time,
a frightening and exhilarating prospect. Again, panic sets it.
Conflict rears its ugly head. Cognitive dissonance abounds. Inner
turmoil leads to irresponsible, self-defeating and self-destructive
behaviors. A lot of marriages end here in what is known as
the "seven year itch".

Next awaits parenthood. Many marriages survive only because of the
presence of common offspring.

One cannot become a parent unless and until one eradicates the
internal traces of one's own parents. This necessary patricide and
unavoidable matricide are painful and cause great trepidation. But
the completion of this crucial phase is rewarding all the same and
it leads to feelings of renewed vigor, new-found optimism, a
sensation of omnipotence and the reawakening of other traces of
magical thinking.

In the quest for an outlet, a way to relieve anxiety and boredom,
both members of the couple (providing they still possess the wish
to "save" the marriage) hit upon the same idea but from different
directions.

The woman (partly because of social and cultural conditioning during
the socialization process) finds bringing children to the world an
attractive and efficient way of securing the bond, cementing the
relationship and transforming it into a long-term commitment.
Pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood are perceived as the ultimate
manifestations of her femininity.

The male reaction  to childrearing is more compounded. At first, he
perceives the child (at least unconsciously) as another restraint,
likely to only "drag him deeper" into the quagmire. His dysphoria
deepens and matures into full-fledged panic. It then subsides and
gives way to a sense of awe and wonder. A psychedelic feeling of
being part parent (to the child) and part child (to his own parents)
ensues. The birth of the child and his first stages of development
only serve to entrench this "time warp" impression.

Raising children is a difficult task. It is time and energy
consuming. It is emotionally taxing. It denies the parent his or her
privacy, intimacy, and needs. The newborn represents a full-blown
traumatic crisis with potentially devastating consequences. The
strain on the relationship is enormous. It either completely break
down - or is revived by the novel challenges and hardships.

An euphoric period of collaboration and reciprocity, of mutual
support and increasing love follows. Everything else pales besides
the little miracle. The child becomes the centre of narcissistic
projections, hopes and fears. So much is vested and invested in the
infant and, initially, the child gives so much in return that it
blots away the daily problems, tedious routines, failures,
disappointments and aggravations of every normal relationship.

But the child's role is temporary. The more autonomous s/he becomes,
the more knowledgeable, the less innocent - the less rewarding and
the more frustrating s/he is. As toddlers become adolescents, many
couples fall apart, their members having grown apart, developed
separately and are estranged.

The stage is set for the next major dysphoria: the midlife crisis.

This, essentially, is a crisis of reckoning, of inventory taking, a
disillusionment, the realization of one's mortality. We look back to
find how little we had accomplished, how short the time we have
left, how unrealistic our expectations have been, how alienated we
have become, how ill-equipped we are to cope, and how irrelevant and
unhelpful our marriages are.

To the disenchanted midlifer, his life is a fake, a Potemkin
village, a facade behind which rot and corruption have consumed his
vitality. This seems to be the last chance to recover lost ground,
to strike one more time. Invigorated by other people's youth (a
young lover, one's students or colleagues, one's own children), one
tries to recreate one's life in a vain attempt to make amends, and
to avoid the same mistakes.

This crisis is exacerbated by the "empty nest" syndrome (as children
grow up and leave the parents' home). A major topic of consensus and
a catalyst of interaction thus disappears. The vacuity of the
relationship engendered by the termites of a thousand marital
discords is revealed.

This hollowness can be filled with empathy and mutual support. It
rarely is, however. Most couples discover that they lost faith in
their powers of rejuvenation and that their togetherness is buried
under a mountain of grudges, regrets and sorrows.

They both want out. And out they go. The majority of those who do
remain married, revert to cohabitation rather than to love, to co-
existence rather to experimentation, to arrangements of convenience
rather to an emotional revival. It is a sad sight. As biological
decay sets in, the couple heads into the ultimate dysphoria: ageing
and death.


Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant
Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West
Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician,
Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a
United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and
the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in
The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government
of Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com







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