"What You Must Know About Teen Discipline,"
by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

Q:  Just one more question.  My wife's daughter, age 16,
said I was partial to the other kids…  When I said … My wife
thinks …

This "Ask the EQ Expert" question went on for 6 paragraphs
with many examples from each of the 5 kids.

A:  Dear Ted, thanks for writing.

What you need to get yourself and this family up-to-speed is
to commit to a couple of months of emotional intelligence
coaching.  Why?  Because you're seeing these as separate
little pieces, failing to grasp the big picture, and to
solidify your theory, purpose and values in regards to
parenting.  In other words, your POSITION.

You've given me 11 different "problems," and they're all the
same thing.  I'm not going to reply to them one-by-one.
What needs to happen is that you and your wife must come up
with a plan, a modus operandi, based on your values and
intentions.

Children will argue. It's how they learn, about facts and
also about emotions.  They need to know what is "non
negotiable."  They will choose any given thing, and worry it
to death like a dog with a bone, and if you are not sure
(backed by your wife), you'll easily lose your center
because, as you know, the ENERGY that teens have is immense.
And yours is not.  Your teenager's main task is to thwart
you.  You are fighting on many fronts, so to speak.  You
also have a wife, a job, a mortgage and other concerns.

You must get away from arguing every point. I'm going to
give you an example.  If you can't see how the example
relates to what you've asked about, then schedule a coaching
session immediately. You need to start immediately on an EQ
course that will develop both sides of your brain, allowing
you to grasp the big picture from little details.

EXAMPLE

I said to my children at one time, "We are not going to
argue every morning whether or not you are going to brush
your teeth.  You are going to get up every morning and brush
your teeth.  It is not negotiable, and there will be no
discussion.  It's a waste of time and energy, both yours and
mine."

We had previously gone over the health benefits of dental
hygiene, i.e., the reason why.  I believe children need a
reason why.  Arbitrary discipline creates children who can't
think and are full of resentment, who turn into autocratic
despots as bosses and parents.

You see, when the girl says you aren't treating her like a
"father," that depends upon one's definition of "father."
She uses this because she knows it's a sensitive area for
you and your wife, because she's observed your emotional
reaction previously.

Children want "love," which to them means what they want,
when they want it, and to be the most special person in the
household.  They don't see that love is ALSO discipline,
structure, and respect they can internalize into
self-discipline, self-respect, and self- love.

Be sure you give them their time for specialness and
affection.  Then you won't feel like an ogre when you
enforce the rules that make communal life possible, and
foster maturity and character in children.  If you feel
"guilty" or "unsure" they will hone in on this like a
missile.

What you AND YOUR WIFE need to do, is answer these
questions:   What do you have in mind for these children?
What is the role of the parents?  You need that touchstone
to go back to every time so you can stay centered, i.e.,
this is why I do this, and how I'm going to call this play.
You want these children to grow up to be… I don't mean an
engineer, or a nail technician, I mean things like
considerate, self-motivated, compassionate, able to hold a
job, capable of committing to an adult relationship, i.e.,
values.

THE TOUCHSTONE

When my child would refuse to brush his teeth I would say,
"We've discussed why we brush our teeth," then use your
"code," i.e., "remember Granny?"  This referred to their
Granny who couldn't eat corn on the cob (this particular
child's favorite food) because she had false teeth because
she didn't brush her teeth.  Then proceed, "I will wait here
while you go brush your teeth.  Hurry up now so we'll have
time to stop for a taco on the way."

It is always preferable to hold out the carrot, not the
stick.

If they don't, there are consequences, but make the
punishment fit the crime.  I'm not much for the "month on
restriction."  That's "cruel and unusual punishment" and
breeds resentment.  Make it swift and meaningful.  "Because
you didn't brush your teeth, there will be no XX tonight."
If the child was fond of sweets, it might be appropriate to
cancel dessert, as this is related to good dental hygiene
and serves no otherwise healthy purpose.

The issue here is not about arbitrary power, it's about the
child's dental hygiene, for his future benefit.

Kids grow by choices and it defuses conflict:

1. Would you like to brush your teeth now, or in 10 minutes?
2. Would you like to brush your teeth with the white
toothbrush, or the green one with the fuzzy bristles?
3. Would you like to use Mom's toothpaste, or Dad's zingy
kind?
4. Would you like to brush your teeth in the bathroom or on
the back porch?

Get your sail out of their wind.  Teenagers are excellent
manipulators, and they'll need this skill, done right, as
adults.  However, don't take the bait, and don't placate.
No matter how much they appear to want to win, if they do,
they lose respect for you, and this makes them feel anxious.

If you say, "If you don't brush your teeth, I'll..." what
self-respecting person wouldn't get angry?  Your kids and
hers aren't wimps are they?

If you say, "Would you like to brush your teeth now or would
you like a swat on the butt?" you are being provocative.
That's ugly, and beneath the dignity of an adult.  You will
lose their respect.

If you label, i.e., "You're the most obstinate kid I've ever
seen," you utter a self-fulfilling prophecy and will reap
what you sow.

Get neutral.  Get the emotion out of it.  (Take my EQ
training, it's the KEY.)  They know if they can get you
angry, they can win, and when you turn into a ranting,
raving idiot, they can't respect you.

I don't go over these point-by-point because it's all the
same thing.  When you can recognize the META-level, you can
get clarity.

I hope you will pursue learning more about this for the sake
of the children.  Kids learn emotional intelligence at home,
and I want the best for those kids.  I'm sure you do too.

Good luck!
Susan

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc,
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